Your Past Comes Back to Haunt You
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: To the outside world, Cal seems confident. Most of the time he really feels that way. But there was a time when he wasn't: when he was lost and afraid and wished someone would save him. A chance encounter for Ethan brings the feelings back to the surface for Cal - but perhaps it's not just his fears Cal will have to face. For bronny9 and her sister. Set late Series 29.
1. Chapter 1

_This story was requested by **bronny9** and her sister, who wanted to read a story where Ethan is the one giving Cal support. They wanted it to be set before the Huntington's storyline and I decided to put it before the Matilda storyline too as she'd be an adorable distraction. So it's set towards the end of Series 29, which is probably my favourite series. I hope this is what you both wanted - and I hope everyone enjoys it too. _

* * *

Ethan was smiling as he and Cal left the hospital. "I had such a good day today, Cal. You'll never guess what happened."

Cal thought. "Did you and Honey find a nice cupboard?"

"No!" said Ethan, blushing at the mere thought of it. "Of course not. I would never take Honey in a cupboard."

Cal smirked. Ethan might have missed what he'd accidentally said, but he hadn't. "Where would you take her then?"

Ethan had a dreamy look on his face. "A nice restaurant."

Cal laughed to himself. "A nice restaurant? What will everyone eating at the restaurant think?"

Ethan looked slightly surprised. "I imagine they'd be a little bit jealous I'm having dinner someone so beautiful, but I don't think I'd really care what they think. I'd just be happy about being with Honey."

"You know what, Nibbles?" said Cal, slinging an arm around Ethan's shoulder. "I think I'd feel exactly the same way. Though not with Honey, obviously."

Ethan glanced at him, concern on his face. "You mean with Taylor?"

"No," said Cal. "She's in the past, Ethan. The past doesn't matter. Not as long as it stays there."

Ethan's eyes remained on his face for a moment or two, then he smiled. "It's really good to hear you say that, Cal. Though actually, the reason I had such a good day is because I met someone from my past."

Cal felt his muscles tense. They seemed to scrunch up, one by one, slowly but with excruciating pain.

 _Ethan doesn't mean_ him, he told himself. _He can't mean_ him _. He wouldn't have said it like that if he did._

"It's someone you know too, actually," said Ethan, apparently oblivious to Cal's feelings.

But that was how Cal wanted it; how he'd always wanted it.

"Who is it?" he asked, his voice dry and raspy.

Ethan turned to him, a smile on his face. "You sound like you need a drink! You always did talk too much. It was a guy I know from school. Andy Bradford. Remember him?"

Cal frowned for a moment, the relief at hearing a name that wasn't _his_ dissipating some of the tension. But only for a moment. An image came to his mind: a nasty, sneering boy. Not that he'd ever given Cal any trouble – it had turned out to be the other way round – but he'd made Ethan's life hell until he'd finally confessed to Cal what was going on. His fists clenched at the memory of twelve-year-old Ethan clinging to him, sobbing and trembling. "He'd better not have given you any more trouble."

"None whatsoever," said Ethan. "He's a really nice guy. It was a bit awkward between us at first – I don't think he quite knew what to say to me and I was nervous about having to treat him - but things got easier when we got through the 'how are you?' phase and into talking about his medical issues."

"So what happened to him to land him in the ED?" asked Cal. "I hope it hurt!"

Ethan shook his head slightly. "You know I can't really discuss that. But after I'd treated him, he apologised for bullying me. He said it was unacceptable and he wishes he could do something to change it."

Cal had to look away from his brother. _Why? Why couldn't that have happened to me?_

The answer came back like punch. _Because you don't deserve it._

"I told him I already had forgiven him and it doesn't matter anymore," said Ethan. "Besides, it helped make me into the person I am today and I don't think there's too much wrong with me really."

Cal forced a smile onto his face; a teasing note into his voice. "You think?"

"Oh, I know I'm incredibly boring and a complete geek with no taste in anything whatsoever," said Ethan calmly. "But all I wanted was to become a doctor and I became one, so there's nothing I'd want to change about my past, just in case that's the one thing that gave me the extra push to get where I most wanted to be."

Cal smiled, but he didn't really feel like smiling.

Was that true? Had the way he was treated made him into the person he was today?

He knew he wasn't all bad. Ethan was still speaking to him and a lot of brothers wouldn't be after discovering he'd stolen his inheritance, so there must be something about him that wasn't completely despicable. And he had – against the odds at times – become a doctor. In a couple of months, he hoped he'd be a consultant.

But there are other things about him that weren't so well-appreciated. The way he treated his brother at times; the way he treated women. Was that because of _him_ too?

Or was that because _he_ was right about Cal all along?

"Cal?" There was a slight frown on Ethan's face now. "Are you okay?"

"Course." Cal managed to smile at his brother. "I was just thinking how that Andy made your life a misery and wondering if I'd be so forgiving in your place. But it's good you've forgiven him. It shows you've moved on."

 _But will I ever move on?_

Ethan shrugged. "I wouldn't have thought I'd be so forgiving either. But meeting him showed me that not only is he a completely different person, so am I. And that made me happy, knowing I was stronger than I used to be."

Cal didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry!" said Ethan suddenly.

Cal looked at him in surprise.

"I really have gone on about this a bit, haven't I?" said Ethan self-deprecatingly. "It was silly of me really. You don't know what it's like to be bullied, so how could you understand what this means to me?"

Cal knew he should be happy to hear this. It meant Ethan had no idea.

But knowing Ethan had no idea only made Cal feel more alone.

He looked at Ethan again. His brother was trying to smile, but there was hurt in his eyes and Cal realised suddenly that difficult as this has been for Cal to hear this, it had also been difficult for Ethan to say it. To admit such problems had once been part of his life; to admit that the acceptance from the bully had meant so much to him, even now, so many years later.

Cal squeezed Ethan's shoulder and smiled. "Sorry, Nibbles. I was just thinking about what you said. I hate the idea of him being in a cubicle with you; I hate the idea he could have said anything to you. But I want you to know, I'm really happy you were able to have this moment with Andy and that it helped you so much. And I'm really proud of you for dealing with it so well. I think often, no matter what kind of person you are now, seeing someone from your past can take you back to the person you were before. The fact you were able to resist that shows how strong you are." He stopped, embarrassed. He hadn't meant to say quite that much.

Ethan looked emotional. He reached for Cal's hand, which was hanging over his shoulder, and gripped it tightly. He swallowed audibly, then managed to whisper: "Thank you."

Cal squeezed his hand. "You're welcome, Nibbles."

Although he hadn't meant to say all that, he'd meant every word. He was proud of Ethan.

But he wasn't proud of himself.

* * *

Cal sat bolt upright in bed. His face felt hot and his hands were damp. He felt a trickle of perspiration on his back.

The room was almost in complete darkness, but he could see dark blurry shapes lurking like monsters ready to pounce. He knew it was only items of furniture: a desk, a chair, a TV, but what if it wasn't? What if _he_ was there hiding; waiting for Cal?

He needed to switch the light on. That would make the monsters go away.

But Cal couldn't move. He sat there in the dark, some of his breaths escaping as whimpers as he tried not to let his fear take control. A part of him wanted to jump out of bed and run to Ethan, but even if he was capable of moving that quickly, he didn't want to worry his brother.

Hours seemed to have passed before Cal managed to extend a shaking hand towards his bedside lamp. When his hand closed around it and his thumb felt the switch, he felt relief, but it was almost immediately replaced by terror.

What if he switched on the light to find _him_ waiting in the dark?

He knew it was unlikely. _He_ didn't even know where they lived as far as Cal knew. _He_ certainly didn't have a key to the flat.

But he was still afraid as he remembered the time he'd awoken in the night and switched on the light to find _him_ standing there in the corner.

Cal started to move his hand away from the light, but then he stopped. If _he_ was there, then _he_ could creep up on Cal. Cal might not even hear him. Cal might not know anything till the blow came out of the darkness, making his head spin.

His hand was so sweaty, it took him a couple of attempts to switch the light on, but at last the room was bathed with light. And there was no-one in the room but Cal.

 _He's not here. I'm safe. He hasn't found me._

He lay down again, leaving the light on, but he didn't want to sleep. He didn't want to go back to his nightmare and see _him_ again.

But although he remained awake, the nightmare drifted back into his consciousness and he couldn't stop it.

 _Cal was running. Fast and desperately. His legs ached and he was barely able to gasp in air, but he kept going. He couldn't let him catch him._

 _He heard the voice behind him, shouting his name. Shouting other things too that only made Cal run faster._

 _"_ _Just wait till I catch you, Caleb Hardy! I'm going to make you regret that you were ever born."_

 _Cal knew now it had been an empty threat. Although he might have laid a hand or worse on Cal, he wouldn't have killed him. Yet Cal was afraid for his life as he ran; he believed he might be killed and he believed he must deserve it or why would he shout those things?_

 _"_ _You're a horrible, nasty little boy. Do you know that, Caleb? A nasty, worthless little maggot and when I catch you, I'm going to show you just how worthless you are."_

Cal felt something wet on his face. He thought at first it was more sweat, but then he heard his tiny, gasping sobs and knew he was crying.

He crawled under the bedclothes as he had when he was little and buried his face into the sheets, trying to muffle his sobs.

He'd spent all his life trying to protect Ethan from _him_. He couldn't let Ethan hear him cry now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you think this looks interesting. 'Cal Hardy' does sound and look quite odd! Cal was very badly-treated and he's managed to deal with it up to a point, but it's all coming back now.

 **westlife4ever80** , I have always thought Cal had a vulnerable side. The first Casualty episodes I watched were the ones where he was being duped by Taylor - I didn't trust her one bit, but Cal did! I actually saw Ethan as the strong one as he had a more realistic attitude and was to fool. Thank you for your review.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review and pm. I'm really glad you enjoyed the first chapter and I hope this one will live up to your expectations. The main part of the story will get started in Chapter 3 - this one shows how Cal is affected and what Ethan notices.

 **Panic-at-casualty** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you like the story so far. That is often the problem with Cal - he does everything he can to protect Ethan, but he either doesn't notice he needs help or won't admit to it. Not that Ethan is any better at asking for help!

 **InfinityAndOne** , I can imagine Cal putting on a brave face to protect Ethan too - he often does it in other situations, but bullying isn't really something you'd expect Cal to be on the receiving end of. Cal does need helping and protecting and I'm sure Ethan will be willing, but he can't if Cal doesn't tell him! Thank you for your review.

 **LoveFiction2016** , thank you for your review. I'm afraid the OC won't become romantically involved with Cal - I don't want to say who the OC is, though some people have guessed, but that kind of relationship between them would be completely impossible. Sorry about that.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. You'll find out who Cal is remembering in the chapter after this one. I don't know how much comedy there will be in later chapters, but there will be lots of conversations between Cal and Ethan... A hospital can't have too many cupboards. Especially now half the ED are sleeping with each other.

 _Thank you to **Panic-at-casualty** , **bronny9** , **InfinityAndOne** and **Starlight-Inspirit** for the follows and favourites._

* * *

Cal walked slowly into the living room. His body felt heavy; his head ached. He hadn't been able to get back to sleep after that nightmare. He slumped into the chair in front of the cereal Ethan had poured for him, but making no attempt to eat it.

"Are you all right?" asked Ethan.

Cal lifted his head and looked into Ethan's concerned eyes. He knew he didn't deserve it after everything he'd done to Ethan, but despite all that, Ethan was still here and still worrying about him.

"Cal?" asked Ethan, his frown deepening. "You look really tired. Did you have trouble sleeping?"

"Yeah," said Cal. "I woke up in the night and couldn't get back to sleep."

Ethan's voice was gentle. "Do you have any idea why?"

"No," said Cal. "I was tired, but I couldn't sleep."

"Perhaps you're working too hard or something," said Ethan anxiously, before smiling slightly. "I can't believe I'm even suggesting that to you, but you are working very hard for your FCEM. Maybe you need to take some time to relax."

"Yeah: maybe I need to start spending more time in the pub," said Cal, with a half-hearted attempt at a joke he knew would annoy Ethan.

Far from being annoyed, Ethan took him seriously. "Perhaps you do. As long as you're not getting blind drunk every night, a bit of sexist conversation and a couple of pints might be just what you need."

At any other time, Cal would have been delighted to hear such a suggestion from Ethan, but he couldn't think of going to the pub now. He didn't want to leave the house at all, but at least at work, he would have his colleagues around him and he probably wouldn't even be seen by most of the patients. The idea of going to the pub, where anyone might walk in and see him at any time…

"Cal, you're very pale." Ethan sounded very worried now. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I've got a bit of a headache," said Cal.

Ethan got up and felt Cal's forehead. "You haven't got a temperature. I'll get you a couple of paracetamol, but perhaps you should consider taking the day off if you're not well."

Cal wanted to hug his brother. That was all he wanted: to stay at home and be safe.

But the relief didn't last. What if _he_ went to the hospital and Ethan was his doctor and this time, he didn't have Cal to protect him?

"No, I'm fine," said Cal. "There's nothing really wrong with me, Ethan. A lot of people have random nights when they just can't sleep. Maybe it's just that I haven't pulled an all-nighter for a while. Haven't pulled full stop, actually."

Ethan gave him a tentative smile.

"My brain probably just thought I'd slept enough for one week," said Cal. "But I'm sure I'll sleep tonight. Work should tire me out."

"Okay, if you're sure," said Ethan. "But if you get to work and you don't feel right, will you come and find me?"

"Of course," said Cal, touched by Ethan's offer, even though he knew he wouldn't take him up on it.

Ethan's gaze remained on Cal. "And if you have another night where you can't sleep, you'll tell me about that too?"

"Of course I will," lied Cal.

* * *

Cal knew it was silly to feel afraid. Nothing had changed. Just because one of Ethan's bullies had come to the ED yesterday, it didn't mean Cal's bully was any more likely to come to the ED today.

But it felt like it was more likely because he could no longer believe it was impossible.

Cal walked back into the cubicle and managed a smile. "Hi, Amanda. I've got your blood results right here. Everything's fine - nothing to worry about at all." She was probably technically a time-waster, but she'd been genuinely worried and so had Cal. The blood results were actually something of a surprise; certainly not what he'd expected. "I expect it's just a bug of some sort. They can be really nasty. Did you say you came in a taxi?"

Amanda nodded.

"Okay: I'll arrange for the hospital to cover your fare home." Cal wasn't sure the hospital would agree, but he'd argue about that later.

He went to his next patient, his heart clenching slightly as he thought of the news he'd have to deliver. He'd honestly thought Laura was a time-waster who was eager for a few hours off work, but he'd finally agreed to run some tests - and the results told a very different story.

He couldn't remember now why he'd asked for so many tests, but perhaps he'd had a hunch, despite his scepticism. He stopped for a moment outside the cubicle and closed his eyes, feeling an ache in his chest. He hated delivering news like this.

He walked into the cubicle. "Hi, Laura. Your bloods have come back."

Laura turned to him eagerly, but then she went still. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"It's possible nothing's wrong," said Cal. "I'm just an ED doctor. There's only so much I can do and in this case, all I can do is highlight a cause for concern and, with your permission, make a referral."

"Diagnosis?" Laura looked frightened now. "What kind of diagnosis? Oh God, I only came here because this guy from another department was coming over and I slept with him last week. If he hadn't, I'd have gone to my GP."

"Your tests have shown a larger number than normal of lymphocytes and monocytes, which are types of white blood cell," explained Cal. "There are various conditions that can cause it. Not all of them are dangerous. It can simply be a result of stress, but it can also be something a lot more serious. I'm very sorry to have to tell you this."

* * *

"Dr Knight!"

Cal felt icicles on his spine. That was Connie's voice and she did not sound happy.

But as he'd now remembered, there were worse people who could be creeping up on him.

"My office," said Connie. "Now!"

Cal did as he was told, aware that several of his colleagues were staring at him, though he didn't meet their gazes. He heard a few smothered giggles. He knew most of them would be sympathetic to anyone who had to face the wrath of Connie, but there was something about seeing the big, bad Dr Knight in trouble that amused them.

Cal walked to Connie's office and stood waiting for her to arrive. She took her time, but eventually, he heard the sound of her heels, following by the slamming of the door.

"Right!" Connie's voice reminded Cal of a whip, and not in a good way. "I understand you treated Amanda Colton and Laura Walsh today. Correct?"

"Yes," said Cal, wondering where this was heading.

"And what were your findings?"

"Um, Amanda probably just has a bug of some sort," said Cal. "Laura has a high lymphocyte and monocyte count, which is obviously a cause for concern."

"And did these results surprise you at all?" asked Connie.

"Actually, yes," admitted Cal. "I was actually quite worried about Amanda, but I thought Laura was a time-waster. I so nearly take any bloods at all."

Connie looked at him for a long moment.

Cal felt himself slowly shrinking to the size of a gnat.

"It seems you were wrong, Dr Knight," said Connie.

Cal nodded. "Yeah, I was wrong. But it's good news for Amanda and it's better for Laura to know the truth."

"Much better," agreed Connie. "Believe me, Dr Knight, I will be informing them both of the truth at the earliest possible opportunity."

"Um… excuse me?" said Cal, confused.

Connie almost bellowed the words. "Dr Knight, did it not occur to you to check the names on the test results?"

"The names?" said Cal blankly. "I just looked at the results in the files."

"Then did it not occur to you to check that you were looking at the correct file?"

"I… um…" Cal couldn't remember if he'd checked or not. "You mean I didn't look at the correct file?"

Connie's voice became sweet, but no less dangerous. "You didn't. Ms Walsh has absolutely nothing wrong with her. Mrs Colton, on the other hand, is going to get some very worrying news – just when she's finally relaxed under the impression there's nothing wrong."

Cal slowly dropped his head in his hands. "Oh God."

"To put it mildly," said Connie. Her face and voice filled with derision. "Get out of my sight, Dr Knight, and if you ever make a mistake like this again…"

* * *

"Oh my goodness," said Ethan, his hands in his hair. "Oh my… Caleb, how could you have been so stupid?"

Initially, Ethan had come to Cal out of concern. He'd heard his brother had been hauled off to Connie's office, and while he'd known it wasn't impossible that Cal had made a serious mistake, he knew that Connie sometimes behaved as though the most minor misdemeanour was in fact a capital offence.

"I don't know," whispered Cal. "I did think it was odd the blood tests came out that way round…"

"Then why didn't you check the names?" demanded Ethan. "I admit it is easy to make a mistake if you don't check. The files do look the same. But that's exactly why you do check!"

Cal glowered at the floor. "Okay. No need to rub it in. I was tired; I wasn't thinking straight…"

Some of Ethan's anger dimmed as he remembered Cal really hadn't looked well this morning and still didn't look great now – though few people did after an encounter like that with Connie. "Not that it's really any excuse, but do you think you're unwell?"

"I don't know," said Cal. He passed a hand across his forehead. "I don't know, Ethan. I do feel terrible about this. Don't think I don't."

"I know you do," said Ethan, softening slightly. "Do you think you need to go home?"

For a moment, he really thought Cal would say yes. But then he shook his head, straightening his shoulders. "No. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" said Ethan. "I don't want you making a mistake like this again. And…" He paused. "And not just for the patients' sake."

There was gratitude in Cal's eyes. Also something else Ethan didn't recognise. "I'll be fine, Ethan. But thanks." He patted his brother on the shoulder. "I appreciate it."

"Please be careful though?" said Ethan, unable to rid himself of the nagging feeling there was more to this than a sleepless night.

"I'll be careful," promised Cal.


	3. Chapter 3

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Tiredness can have a big impact in any job and it's probably a good thing Cal was in cubicles with stable patients rather than in Resus. I love Ethan's comforting side.

 **westlife4ever80** , Cal probably should have stayed at home. Doctors are human so they probably can't help making mistakes sometimes, but there are different kind of mistakes. Everyone gets confused sometimes, but it's within Cal's control whether he double-checks or not. Thank you for your review.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you're happy with this so far. I thought Ethan should be a little bit exasperated with Cal as he usually is, but he's naturally so caring so I thought he'd realise there was something wrong.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you enjoyed the first two chapters. I didn't want the mixed results to be too big a shock because it's not an important part of the story. I agree that Ethan would be a wonderful support - but Cal needs to tell him first and as you say, he might take his time about it!

 **Panic-at-casualty** , I thought Ethan should be a little bit angry, but I think he'd pick up very quickly that this wasn't Cal being lazy or not being committed to his job and although we all talk about caring Cal, I think we all love caring Ethan too! I'm glad you don't blame Cal completely. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I don't think this would be considered a sackable offence at Holby ED - I think others have got away with worse (stealing medication, framing Connie for murder), so I think it's realistic for Cal to keep his job in this context. I'm not sure Cal would cope at all if he lost Ethan's trust. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **westlife4ever80** and **Tanith Panic** for the follow and favourites._

* * *

To everyone's relief, there were no more incidents. Cal was very careful for the rest of the day and made no more mistakes – or at least, none that Ethan heard about. The next morning, he was relieved to see Cal was looking a lot better. He still looked a little bit tired, but it was a big improvement on yesterday and he didn't argue when Cal said he was much better and had slept like a baby.

Ethan was nervous throughout the day, but Cal seemed fine. As the days progressed, Ethan decided it really must have been a one-off sleepless night and the resulting fatigue had caused the problem with the two patients. It was very unfortunate that such a serious condition had been involved and Ethan had a lot of sympathy for both women, but there was probably no need to worry about Cal any more than Ethan normally would.

He put the incident out of his mind and concentrated on doing his job, revising for his exams, dreaming about Honey and avoiding Lily - little knowing what was ahead of him and Cal.

* * *

"I'm really glad you're sleeping better now," said Ethan as they drove to work about a week later. "I was rather worried."

"It's like I told you, Nibbles," said Cal. "It was just a one-off. I'm just sorry those poor patients suffered."

Ethan let go of the wheel long enough to give Cal a reassuring pat on the arm. "It is unfortunate, but they both got the right diagnosis in the end. Try to put it out of your mind now. Keep being careful about remembering to check names on files and blood results, but there's really no need to worry about what happened anymore. You made a mistake. We all do it."

"You don't," pointed out Cal. He really couldn't remember the last time Ethan had made a mistake.

"I'm very careful about checking," said Ethan. He paused. "But I didn't really mean to drag that up again. I just meant how tired you were; the fact you didn't sleep the night before. I thought you might be ill. I'm glad you're feeling all right now."

"I'm fine now." Cal gave Ethan a quick smile before turning away to look out of the window, though he saw nothing of the roads ahead of him or even the hot girls he unusually enjoyed looking out for on the way to work.

Ethan might think it was over and that was the way Cal wanted it. He didn't want his little brother worried. He didn't ever want that, but particularly not over something like this.

But it wasn't over. Although Cal had so far found it much easier to get back to sleep since that first time, not a single night had passed since then without at least one nightmare. He'd taken to leaving the bedside light on as he slept: although that didn't chase the nightmares away, at least he didn't awake to darkness.

"I thought maybe we could have study session later," said Ethan brightly as he continued to drive. "What do you think? A few nibbles… well, actually just one of me will probably be more than enough… maybe a couple of beers - what do you think?"

"Yeah, sounds good," said Cal automatically. He hadn't really taken in what Ethan was saying, but the beer part sounded good.

"I'll meet you in the staff room after work then," said Ethan.

"Great," said Cal, as they arrived in the hospital. "I'll look forward to it." He reached across to ruffle Ethan's hair. "Especially the nibbles."

* * *

Cal walked up to the nurses' station. "What have you got for me, Robyn? Nothing that's too much like hard work, I hope?"

Robyn laughed. "I've got a couple of injuries for you – though apparently, they didn't injure each other. What do you fancy? Suspected fractured zygoma or suspected fractured metacarpal?"

"Haven't you got anything more interesting?" said Cal.

"Not for the moment, but maybe I'll have something for you by the time you've finished with this one," said Robyn. "Oh, and I'm afraid they're both male. In case you were wondering."

Cal was actually slightly relieved. While female patients were much nicer to look at, he'd be lying if he said they didn't frighten him a bit. The ones that showed an interest in him seemed absolutely lovely, but Taylor had been lovelier still and look how that had turned out.

It would be a while before Cal trusted another woman.

 _You'll never be happy, Caleb. You don't deserve it._

Cal shivered and looked around. The voice had sounded so loud and so real.

"Cal?" Robyn was looking at him, concerned. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine. Just thought I heard someone saying I was a catch," said Cal.

Robyn laughed. "Well, anything's possible! So, which one are you going for?"

"The metacarpal, I think. Thanks." Cal took the file without looking at it and headed for the correct cubicle. He pushed the curtain aside. "Hi, I'm Dr Knight. I understand…" His voice trailed away.

No. It couldn't be. Not here.

It must be another nightmare.

"Hello, Caleb," said the man on the bed.

Cal just stared. His feet seemed welded to the floor; his joints frozen in place and for a moment it gave him hope that this really was a dream. He couldn't run sometimes in his nightmares too.

But he knew the truth. He knew this was real.

The man smiled sardonically. "Aren't you going to say hello to your dad then, you useless waste of space?"

Cal cringed at hearing the words again. It was only now that he remembered why they'd hurt so much from Matt. Because _he_ had said them too. And because Cal had always feared he was right.

"Can't even talk now? You have gone downhill. There wasn't much you could do right as a kid, but at least you could string a sentence together. You always talked complete rubbish, of course, but you can't even do that now. Call yourself a doctor? I don't know how you even got into medical school."

Cal lowered his head, unable to meet those critical, jeering eyes.

"So, are you going to do your job then, Dr Hardy? Oh no. I forgot. You couldn't even get your name right. Do you have any idea how much that hurt your mother? Not that you're worthy to carry the name, of course. Not like your brother."

Tears filled Cal's eyes. He'd done it to get away from this man. He hadn't even really thought at the time that it was his mother and brother's surname too. All he'd been able to think about was him.

"And now he's going to cry!" John Hardy's lip curled, his blue eyes sparkling with amusement. "Poor little baby Caleb. Your little brother is worth fifty of you!"

Cal turned and fled the cubicle, glancing around desperately, trying to see someone through his tear-filled eyes as he listened to the mocking sound of laughter from behind him. Or was it just in his own head? The first person he recognised was Dylan and he raced towards him, shoving the file into his arms. "Please, Dylan. Take my patient."

"Oh, I'd be happy to. It's not as if I have any patients of my own."

A yes from Dylan in those circumstances meant no. To reiterate the point, he laid the file on the reception desk and started to walk away, but Cal dashed into his path, blocking his way. "Please. I did the same for you."

"If you mean that I gave you a headache with my idiotic questions, then I'm surprised but not entirely sorry."

"My patient is my father!" blurted Cal. "And I don't want... I can't..."

Dylan was silent. The irritation in his eyes disappeared. "I'll take your patient, Cal," he said simply. He picked up the file and stated to walk away.

"No. Wait. You don't understand. Not all of it," said Cal. "You mustn't tell Ethan he's here. Please. And don't tell him Ethan works here. And tell him I've gone home; my shift's over. Or something."

"My job is to discuss Mr Kn-" Dylan stopped and checked the file. "…Mr Hardy's condition and medical history. I don't have time to discuss the staff hierarchy of the ED."

Cal nodded. "Thank you," he said, but the words came nowhere near expressing the gratitude he felt towards Dylan at that moment.

"All right," said Dylan. "I'll deal with it." He started to turn away, but then he looked at Cal again. "Which cubicle is he in?"

"Cubicle 5," said Cal.

"Good. That's fine," said Dylan, and walked away.

Cal leaned against the reception desk for a moment. It seemed very hot and he wanted to run out into the fresh air, but he couldn't take the risk. He had to find Ethan and make sure he stayed out of cubicles. He was fairly sure Ethan was in Resus, but if Resus was quiet, he might be called into cubicles to help, or perhaps he'd come looking for a senior doctor, or maybe he'd go for his break…

He turned and walked quickly in the direction of Resus. He knew he'd been lucky. He was so glad it was Dylan he'd seen. Dylan, perhaps more than any of them, would understand. No other doctor would have forced him to treat his own father: that was against the rules. But if John asked to see Ethan, any other doctor would have gone to find him.

Cal was fairly sure John had never laid a finger on Ethan. He'd always been so proud of him and he still seemed proud now. Cal never would have left if he'd thought for a moment that, deprived of one target, he would turn on his other son.

He'd taken that risk as a young boy. But now, as an adult, he didn't want to take the chance.


	4. Chapter 4

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I'm sure Ethan would want to comfort Cal if he knew something was wrong, but Ethan won't necessarily see their father's presence in the ED as a bad thing. And we all know what Ethan's like when he misunderstands Cal's feelings! Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , I thought you might like Dylan being the one to rescue Cal! He seemed like the obvious person because he would understand and I do like Dylan as the gorgeous hero! Thank you for your review.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you're enjoying it. I think there's a good chance Ethan will notice something as he is very observant. Cal's dad is very rude and completely horrible, but he does have Dylan on his side.

 **20BlueRoses** , that's one thing I love about Cal - he gets into the most terrible messes and doesn't always make the right decisions, but he usually is trying to do the best thing for Ethan (except when he was trying to do the best thing for Taylor). I'll include more about what made Cal leave home if I can. Thank you for your review.

 **Guest (Tanith Panic)** , I thought it was you! This site always logs us out at the most annoying possible times. I'm glad you're enjoying this, even though it's disturbing. I think Dylan is a lot kinder and more understanding than he likes to let anyone see. I'm glad you spotted the number 4 reference! Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. Luckily, Dylan is the type to do what needs to be done without asking questions! I think even Lily would have required a reason. Cal is trying to be a protective brothe, but he needs is protective little brother! And keeping someone in ignorance isn't always the best way to protect them.

* * *

Cal sat in the staff room, a cup of tea in front of him, but he made no move to pick it up. Now he'd dealt with the situation, got himself out of the way and reassured himself that Ethan was likely to be tied up in Resus for a whilr, he'd made his way to the staff room, surprised by how relatively okay he felt, but as soon as he'd made his cup of tea and there was no need to function, he'd all but collapsed.

The trembling had started not long after he'd sat down. No, not even trembling: actual shivering. He drew his knees up to his chest, wanting to make himself as small as possible so he couldn't be found. He longed for Ethan to walk in, but he also dreaded it as then he'd have to explain what was wrong with him and he couldn't do that.

But it was more than that, Cal realised. He did want to protect Ethan; of course he did. That had never changed. But Ethan so often thought the worst of him and he'd often been right.

No. He'd always been right.

He thought the worst of Cal because Cal was the worst. At everything.

 _Cal had been so happy. He'd worked so hard to make his dad proud. It wasn't something he'd ever tried doing before, but Matilda had asked him to, speaking to him almost as though he were an adult, and for once in his life, Cal had been filled with determination and purpose. He'd revised hard for his maths test, even asking Ethan to test him, though of course he didn't tell him why. Ethan's eyes had widened with admiration as Cal got question after question right._

 _"_ _How did you do that one in your head, Cal? I'm not sure I could have even done it on paper."_

 _Cal knew Ethan could have done both, but he loved the way Ethan admired and believed in him._

 _Cal got an A on his test. He was very happy and decided to show his family. Matilda hugged him and told him she was very proud of him. Ethan looked so delighted, anyone would have thought it was his A._

 _Then John came home._

 _"_ _What's this rubbish?" he asked when he saw the piece of paper by his dinner plate. He shoved it aside. He probably hadn't meant for it to fall on the floor, but he didn't seem to care that it had._

 _"_ _Cal got an A on his maths test!" said Ethan eagerly._

 _John didn't say anything else. He just got on with his dinner, leaving the paper where it was. But he had a lot to say to Cal later, when Ethan and Matilda had gone to bed. He caught Cal by the hair and dragged him into the living room, shutting the door behind him. "So, you got an A, Cal? And you expect me to be happy?" His voice was dripping with contempt. "You live in a family of doctors and you only got an A for your maths?"_

 _Cal was trembling. Somehow, he managed to meet his dad's eye and nod._

 _"_ _I expect A*s, Caleb." John's voice was quiet but dangerous. "Nothing less. And the fact this is the first maths test you've showed me leads me to conclude that you don't usually get As." John picked up the paper, tore it into pieces and dropped it onto the floor. "But what else can I expect from a useless waste of space like you?"_

 _Cal tried to stop the tears from filling his eyes. He'd worked so hard._

 _"_ _It's not even as though you're stupid!" said John. "You're nothing in comparison with your brother, of course. You'll never be a doctor or do anything truly worthwhile. But you really ought to be getting A*s in your maths tests. So why don't you?" He shook Cal hard. "Because you don't try!"_

 _"_ _But I did try," said Cal, a tear running down his cheek._

 _"_ _Look at you: crying like a baby! You're just a spineless little kid, Caleb, and you're going to end up as a spineless little man if you don't do something about it. But I don't believe you will. You haven't got it in you." John shoved Cal hard. Cal staggered and fell. John looked at him with impatience. "Oh, just go to bed, you pathetic little worm."_

The words sounded so loudly in Cal's memory, it was almost as though his dad was there in the staffroom with him. He hugged his knees to his chest and trembled. When the door opened, he looked up in fear, convinced his dad had found him despite Dylan's efforts, but the person entering was almost worse.

It was Ethan.

Ethan looked at Cal with widened eyes, then he hastened to his side. "Cal, what's wrong? What's happened?"

"Nothing," said Cal, trying to look surprised.

Ethan shook his head. "I can see it's not nothing. Why aren't you working?"

"I'm on my break," said Cal.

Ethan looked closely at Cal. "Are you sure you're all right?"

Cal shrugged. "It's an emotional job sometimes. But I'm okay. You seem a bit stressed though. Maybe you should have a break too."

Not that he really wanted Ethan to be in here with him. Cal was sure that hard as he tried, he would do nothing to convince Ethan that everything was okay.

But if Ethan was here, he would be safe.

Ethan was looking at Cal. Finally, he nodded. "Maybe you're right. I'll stay here with you."

Cal felt simultaneous relief and terror. He knew Ethan was staying out of concern for Cal rather than because he needed a break, but anything that kept Ethan out of John's way was good with Cal. "Okay, so, have you seen Honey today?"

A faint blush came to Ethan's cheeks, but for once, Cal was quite unable to enjoy it. Ethan stammered slightly as he replied. "I-I did go to the shop for a cup of coffee. She… she seems very well."

"I bet she does!" Cal tried to smile. "Are you going to ask her out then?"

"Oh, no: I'm sure she wouldn't want to go out with me," said Ethan modestly. "I know she liked me before – for some reason which is still a complete mystery to me – but that was months ago. I'm sure she has no interest in me now."

"You think?" said Cal. "So why not ask Lily out instead?"

Ethan stopped looking embarrassed and looked horrified instead. "I can't do that! I like and respect Lily very much, but I don't think of her in that way."

"I think she thinks of you in that way," said Cal.

Ethan shook his head. "I don't imagine she does for a moment!"

Cal knew he'd be enjoying Ethan's reactions so much if John hadn't come to the ED. He couldn't even tease his little brother about his female admirers without feeling his heart thumping in his chest and a nervous quiver in his stomach.

Ethan got to his feet.

Cal was seized with panic. "Where are you going?"

"Only to get a cup of tea," said Ethan. The concerned look was back on his face. "Are you sure you're all right, Cal?"

Cal tried to sigh. "Ethan, will you stop asking me that? I'm fine."

He sat quietly while Ethan made tea, his gaze veering back and forth between Ethan and the door, which now stood open. He trusted Dylan absolutely and knew he would do everything he could to keep John away from his sons, but Dylan couldn't be there the whole time. He had other patients and John might ask one of the nurses. The senior nurses would probably respect Cal's decision, but Robyn and Lofty were both soft-hearted and could be moved by pleas from John to allow him to be reunited with his sons.

And not everyone would know. Cal hoped Dylan would pass the message on to any nurses involved in John's care, but there was nothing to stop John from calling to another doctor or nurse who passed his cubicle.

"Oh!" gasped Ethan softly.

Cal's gaze swung back to him. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," said Ethan, turning to smile at him. "I just nearly dropped the cup."

Another memory flashed into Cal's mind.

 _Ethan stood over the smashed cup, tears in his eyes._

 _Cal went quickly to his brother's side. It was obvious what had happened. Ethan had reached up to get his cup and had accidentally knocked John's cup to the floor._

 _"_ _What am I going to do, Caleb?" asked Ethan helplessly as his tears began to fall._

 _Cal gave him a hug and wasn't sure what to say. Ethan was only seven and really shouldn't have tried to get his cup down in the first place. He wasn't allowed to make hot drinks and if he wanted a cold drink, a glass from the draining board would have done._

 _"_ _Do you think he'll be cross with me?" Ethan wept into Cal's chest._

 _Cal honestly wasn't sure. While he was punished for the smallest misdemeanours, John rarely seemed to get angry with Ethan._

 _But what if this turned out to be the exception? What if he turned on Ethan as he'd so often turned on Cal? What if he pulled Ethan's soft blond hair; slammed his head back against the wall?_

 _Cal couldn't allow it._

 _His arms tightened around his little brother. "He won't be cross with you, Ethan."_

 _"_ _How do you know?" wailed Ethan._

 _"_ _Because I'm going to tell Dad it was me."_

 _Ethan pulled away and stared at Cal, tears glistening on his cheeks. "You don't have to do that."_

 _"_ _I'll get in less trouble if it's me," said Cal untruthfully. "At least I'm allowed to get cups down and make hot drinks. You're not."_

 _Ethan sniffled. "I just wanted to look at it."_

 _"_ _I know, Nibbles. I know." Cal tore off some kitchen roll and held it to Ethan's nose. "Blow. Good boy, Nibbles." He dried Ethan's tears. "I know it was an accident. It'll be okay. Everything will be fine. I promise."_

 _Everything had been fine for Ethan – and Ethan believed everything was fine for Cal._

 _Even Cal had started to believe it. The night passed and John left him alone. But the next day, when Ethan had gone to the library with Matilda, John had made Cal pay._

Cal closed his eyes, remembering the sting as John's belt hit his bare skin.

"Cal? Are you okay?" Ethan was standing in front of Cal, an anxious look on his face.

"Fine!" said Cal. "Will you quit worrying, Nibbles? Everything's fine." He patted the sofa beside him. "Sit down here and let's talk girls."

Ethan made a face but obediently sat down.


	5. Chapter 5

**bronwen100** , yes, Cal is trying to protect Ethan. He doesn't know for sure that John would hurt Ethan, but at this point, he's not taking any chances with his little brother. Ethan will probably start to get an idea of what's wrong in Chapter 7. Thank you for your review.

 **bronny9** , Cal really does need to tell Ethan, though he's probably not sure Ethan would believe him. Ethan is lovely, but there have been occasions when he doesn't believe Cal or simply refuses to listen. But Ethan is definitely getting an inkling that something is wrong. Thank you for your review and your pm.

 **NettieTheCarrot** , thank you for your review. I'm so happy you're ignoring this. Bronny9 should take the credit for the idea, but I'm glad you like what I'm doing with it. It is sad - Cal really doesn't deserve what happened to him at all.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , John really is awful to Cal. Some writers go much further than I do in descriptions of abuse, but this is still a horrible way for him to treat his son - or anyone else, for that matter. Ethan will find out soon. Thank you for your review.

 **Panic-at-casualty** , it is easy to forget to review chapters - I don't usually review immediately after reading them and I think I have two chapters of your story I still haven't read. I'm glad you like the flashbacks. I find flashbacks quite difficult as there are so many ways of illustrating a point. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. Verbal abuse can be really horrible - we're taught all that 'words will never hurt me' rubbish, which makes it even more difficult to say we are being hurt by someone's words, and it's so difficult to prove it really happened. I'm glad you think John is a good character (if 'good' is the right word!).

 **InfinityAndOne** , I'm really glad the flashbacks are helpful and that they provide insight. I think part of the reason he wants Ethan with him is so he can keep Ethan safe, but he is also really scared and it will help him to have Ethan there beside him. Their father won't be disappearing from the story just yet... Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **doublevv** for the favourite._

* * *

Ethan was sure something was up.

It might be nothing. It might be something very small Cal either had or hadn't done, but Ethan couldn't get rid of the feeling that something was very badly wrong.

Cal had denied it, of course. That was Cal all over: he either spent days moaning about everything that was wrong or wild horses wouldn't persuade him to admit it.

But after more than a year of sharing a home with Cal, Ethan was beginning to get to know his brother and his moods. There was something wrong.

But that didn't mean it would be easy to find out what it was.

Perhaps Ethan's concern for his brother was the reason why he failed to gain his patient's consent to insert a central line in order to remove immunoglobulin from his blood by plasmapheresis. Ethan had explained why this was necessary several times; he'd used every gentle method of persuasion he could think of, but the patient was adamant in his refusals and in the end, in despair, Ethan went to find Connie.

As he'd expected, she was far from impressed. "So you've given up."

"I-I thought in the circumstances, it would be correct to consult a senior doctor," said Ethan meekly.

"If you were at foundation level, I might understand. But you're a registrar, Dr Hardy. A _senior_ registrar who is currently studying to become a consultant. Do you really believe I have nothing better to do than to babysit my junior doctors?"

"I… I…"

"Fortunately, I can spare a few minutes." said Connie. "I will speak to your patient as you're clearly not competent to explain a simple procedure. Now, get out of my sight, Dr Hardy."

Ethan fled from the room, feeling useless, guilty and miserable, but when he saw who was standing outside cubicles, talking to Dylan, Ethan's problems went right out of his head. "Dad?"

He whispered the word; he didn't think John could possibly have heard it over the noise behind made by the staff, patients and medical equipment, but John turned towards him. "Ethan!"

Dylan turned to face him and swung quickly back to John, speaking rapidly, clearly instructing him to return to the cubicle, but John ignored him, rushing towards Ethan, his arms outstretched.

Ethan had barely seen John since he'd left the family home. The relationship between his parents had never been the same after Cal's departure. They'd blamed each other and had resisted Ethan's clumsy but well-meaning attempts to bring them back together. After several months of arguments, John had left. Ethan had tried to support his heartbroken mother, but that had been difficult when he was heartbroken, himself. His attempts to persuade Cal to come home had been unsuccessful and Ethan thought it had been around this time that he'd started to blame his brother for everything.

His dad looked older and more vulnerable. When he caught Ethan in his arms, Ethan hugged him back, blinking back tears and wishing he'd done more to find him when Matilda was dying.

"Are you okay?" Ethan asked anxiously. "I mean, obviously you aren't okay. You're a patient. But I hope there's nothing too seriously wrong."

"Just a bruised hand; a small chance of a fracture, but Dr Keogh and I both doubt it," said John.

"Is there anything I can do?" asked Ethan. "I mean, obviously you're being treated already and I'm not allowed to treat you in any case. But if you need a lift home or if you need someone to help you with anything, I'd be more than happy to do anything I can."

 _Please don't walk out of my life again, Dad. I've missed you so much._

John smiled and held Ethan away from him, his hands on his shoulders. "You haven't changed, Ethan, have you? You're always worrying about people. You've always been such a good son and now I can see you're a good doctor."

Ethan swallowed down a lump of emotion. "I hope so, Dad. I-"

"Dr Hardy," cut in Dylan, and both men turned to him, causing Dylan to clarify: "Dr Hardy, _senior_. I must insist that you return to your cubicle until I have your results."

"Can Ethan come with us?" asked John.

"Family reunions are obviously of significant importance in emergency medicine," said Dylan, "but Dr Hardy _junior_ is supposed to be in Resus."

Ethan frowned slightly. Something was wrong here. He should be in Resus, but he wouldn't have expected Dylan to be so intent on getting rid of him. John was entitled to the support of family members and Dylan knew Ethan wasn't likely to cause trouble or to interfere in John's treatment.

"I'll tell you what," said John. "I'll wait for my results, then I'll sit in the waiting room after he's discharged me. You come and find me when you can."

"Of course I will," promised Ethan, as he hugged his father again. "Did you know I worked here?"

John shook his head. "I had no idea, Ethan. If I'd known you were here, I'd have come a lot sooner. It's a wonderful surprise." He lowered his head, reading Ethan's badge. "And you're a senior registrar already. I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you, Dad. I always wanted to be like you," confessed Ethan emotionally.

John smiled at him. "And you are, Ethan. Just like me."

"Cal's here too," said Ethan. "He's a senior registrar too. He's doing really well: he should be a consultant soon." Ethan felt it would be boasting to say he should soon be a consultant too. "I'll let him know you're here. I'm sure he'd love to see you." He couldn't stop smiling. "I'll see you later, Dad."

* * *

Cal knew what had happened straight away. Ethan's eyes were alight with happiness and he seemed breathless with emotion as he gasped out Cal's name. He moved closer to his brother, hoping against hope that his excitement was actually due to the fact he'd finally asked Honey on a date and received an affirmative answer, but he knew that couldn't be it. Ethan hadn't been anywhere close to asking Honey out.

"Cal, you'll never guess what!" said Ethan, almost running up to his brother.

"What?" said Cal resignedly.

Ethan seemed not to notice his mood, but that was for the best. "Dad's here! He's a patient!"

"Is he seriously hurt?" asked Cal. He doubted he'd be able to keep up the pretence of not having seen him for long, but he might as well go along with it for as long as he could.

"Just a bruised hand; most likely no fracture," said Ethan.

"That's… great," said Cal. "Really great."

Ethan's face fell slightly. "I know you didn't get on that well, Cal, but that's a long time ago now. You've changed since then; you've grown up. I told him you'll be a consultant soon. I'm sure everything will be okay between you now."

Cal felt as though something was falling towards him and there was no escape. No matter where he ran, it would hit him and consume him.

"We just had coffee together," said Ethan. "It was so good to see him again, Cal. To hear his voice. To be hugged by him. I really have missed him so much, you know."

Cal couldn't have replied even if he wanted to. There was a rushing sound in his ears; he thought he might faint with terror. John wanted to get back in their lives and once he'd done that, he'd be able to do anything he wanted.

"I've got his number," said Ethan. "I thought maybe we could all go out for dinner one night this-"

"No!" shouted Cal. He hadn't meant to shout; hadn't meant to speak at all, but the air seemed thick and he felt dizzy. He started to move towards the exit and fresh air, but then he stopped. He couldn't go that way. What if John was there waiting? What if he knew somehow that Cal would need fresh air? He always seemed to know everything.

"Cal, don't you think it's about time you got over this?" said Ethan impatiently. "Whatever happened between you, it's a long time ago now."

Cal just shook his head. He felt trapped.

Ethan continued to look at him in mingled annoyance and confusion, but then another emotion came to his face. Shock. This was swiftly followed by anger. "Cal, you knew he was here, didn't you?"

"I-"

"Don't even think about lying! You knew he was in Holby and you hid it from me. How many times have you seen him?"

"I didn't see him until today," said Cal. "I had no idea he was even in Holby."

Ethan shook his head. "I don't believe you. Why would anyone believe you? You always hated Dad and you were jealous that I got on with him when you didn't."

"I wasn't jealous, Ethan," said Cal, but perhaps in a way, he was.

Ethan scoffed. "Of course you were!" He paused, then spoke more calmly. "Okay. I need to get back to work now, but we'll talk more later. Whatever your problem with Dad, you're going to tell me and then we're going to sort it out. And no, you're not getting out of it."

He turned and strode away. Cal watched him go, his eyes filling with helpless tears. He didn't know what to do. Even if he refused to have anything to do with John, he might come to the flat to see Ethan. He'd insist on seeing Cal too and Ethan wouldn't be able to stop him.

No. He didn't have to see John. He would run away. Find a new place to live; find a new job. He could leave right now. Just walk out of the hospital and never come back.

Cal turned and ran for the staff room. He unlocked his locker and started to get his stuff out. He'd leave through the main part of the hospital; John couldn't cover all the exits. He'd get out of here now and..

No. He couldn't do that. He couldn't leave Ethan here on his own. John might not have turned on Ethan last time, but what if he did now? Cal could not abandon his little brother. Not this time.

"Cal."

He turned to see Dylan standing behind him. If he hadn't known better, he might have thought Dylan looked concerned.

And he had reason to be. "Why did you tell him?"

"I didn't tell him anything," said Dylan. "I asked him to remain in the cubicle; he followed me and asked a question. At that moment, Ethan saw us. It was very unfortunate, but it happened. Cal, if he's given you any kind of trouble at all…"

Cal shook his head. He knew from John's words to him earlier that his feelings towards Cal hadn't changed; that he was still happy to taunt and belittle him, but he didn't know what he could do about it. He certainly couldn't tell anyone. "He hasn't given me any trouble, Dylan. None at all."


	6. Chapter 6

**bronny9** , thank you for your review. Ethan will find out quite soon, but not in this chapter. I'm so glad you love it so far - I hope you'll like this chapter too.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , it's not good at all. Ethan does need to find out, but that will probably only happen if Cal tells him - and if Ethan believes him. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your reviews. John is a horrible man - Cal doesn't deserve the way he treats him at all. I'm sure Cal would be grateful if you did smack John! I agree that Cal and Ethan are different but both wonderful in their own way.

 **Tanith Panic** , it is a horrible situation for Cal. It is horrible being misunderstood. Ethan is (or was) lovely, but he does often misunderstand Cal and it must really hurt Cal. It's hard to know sometimes whether it's better to make someone aware of all the facts or hide the truth so they won't get hurt. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **xEmmaPevensiePendragonx** for the follow._

* * *

 _It was my fault. All my fault._

Cal slammed his empty glass onto the table and sat there for a moment before going to order another.

All of it. Every single thing was his fault, from when he was a child up until the present day.

If he'd treated John himself instead of finding another doctor, John wouldn't have been standing outside the cubicle when Ethan had come along. He might even have been discharged by then. Ethan would never have known. He would be safe.

But perhaps Cal wouldn't be.

A shudder went through Cal and he went quickly to the bar. He had to get the feelings out of him somehow. The fear. The feeling that something was crawling all over his skin. The feeling that no matter how far and how fast he ran, John would find him.

Max appeared beside him, putting his hand gently on Cal's arm. "Don't you think you've had enough, Cal?"

"Like you've never drunk more than this!" snapped Cal. The drink was placed on the table; Cal drank it too quickly, feeling it burn his throat, and asked for another.

Lofty came to join them. "Cal, why don't you come and sit with us? Iain's telling us about one of his patients. She sounds really funny. I think you'd have liked her."

"Will you both just leave me alone!" hissed Cal.

Max and Lofty glanced at one another, concern on their faces.

"Maybe we should call Ethan?" Max said to Lofty.

"Just mind your own business!" shouted Cal. Heads turned; he didn't care. He turned back to the bar. "Are you going to give me that drink or what?"

* * *

Ethan tried hard to concentrate on his textbook, but it was difficult when he was so annoyed with Cal. He'd made it clear he wanted to speak to Cal after work and what had Cal done? Sneaked off to the pub. Even if he did come home tonight, he wouldn't be in any condition to talk to Ethan.

Ethan knew it was partly his fault. Cal had told him he was involved in a complex case and probably wouldn't be able to leave for at least an hour. This was true. Ethan's mistake had been believing Cal when he said he'd come straight home as soon as the situation was dealt with.

Of course he hadn't come home. After two hours had passed, Ethan had phoned Lofty to ask if Cal was in the pub and he hadn't been at all convinced by Lofty's tentative: "Yes, but I'm sure he'll be home soon."

Ethan looked down at his book again and tried to immerse himself in a case study of a patient with Bell's palsy, but he couldn't bring himself to care about the effectiveness or otherwise of antivirals, much less take in the results of the clinical trials.

His dad had come back into his life and his brother was trying to prevent Ethan from seeing him.

All because of some argument that had caused Cal to leave and driven their whole family apart.

With a sound of frustration, Ethan tried to return his mind to his book, but he was interrupted not long afterwards by the sound of the door being unlocked. Pleasantly surprised that Cal had come home so early, Ethan went to meet him, only to discover Cal hadn't come under his own steam.

He was leaning heavily on Max and Lofty and seemed barely conscious. He greeted Ethan with a slurred voice and unfocused eyes. Ethan stared at him in disbelief before turning to Max and Lofty. "He's this drunk _already_?"

Both men looked at the floor uncomfortably, apparently unwilling to be disloyal to their mate; in any case, the answer to Ethan's question was obvious.

"Would you mind helping me put him to bed?" asked Ethan, unable to keep the distaste from his voice.

"We'll do it if you like," said Max. "You're probably busy."

"Thanks: that would be great if you don't mind," said Ethan. "I'll just get him a few things he might need."

Soon, Cal was snoring loudly and – judging from the smile on his face – with obvious delight. Ethan put the glass of water and tablets on the bedside table and the bowl beside the bed and looked at his brother with a sigh of irritation.

"We'll be off then," said Max awkwardly.

"Yeah. Sorry to disturb you," said Lofty.

Ethan saw them to the door. "Thank you for bringing him home. I'm sorry if I didn't seem properly grateful. I'm glad he's here and not causing trouble somewhere, but I do wish he didn't get quite this drunk."

Max smiled. "I totally get that, mate. It's fine."

Lofty spoke tentatively. "I don't think he was drinking just for the fun of it though. I think he actually is upset about something."

"Maybe he is," said Ethan. He had no doubt that Cal was upset. Anyone would be if someone they hated came back into their life.

But the problem as far as Ethan was concerned was that the person Cal hated was their dad – a man Ethan had always loved and admired and a man he'd really missed.

* * *

 _Cal opened his eyes and nearly cried allowed in shock. A dark shadow was standing over the bed._

 _The curtains were open just a crack: not enough for Cal to see the person's – or monster's – features, but enough for him to see the blurry shape._

 _But he knew exactly who it was. Only one person would stand and watch him like that; no other person would produce such terror; only one person could drag Cal from the depths of his slumbers simply by looking at him._

 _A hand shot out and grabbed Cal's shoulder. The fingers dug in painfully and Cal cried out involuntary. His reward was a slap around the face and a hissed: "Be quiet!"_

 _Cal was silenced instantly. He sat in bed, quaking, and waited to see what would happen next._

 _"_ _Come with me!" hissed John's voice. He let of Cal's shoulder and grabbed his wrist instead. This hurt too, but Cal managed to remain silent, even though the pain brought tears to his eyes which he hoped John wouldn't see. Cal had seen him comfort a tearful Ethan on more than one occasion, carefully lifting the little boy onto his lap and speaking to him soothingly whilst looking mockingly over his shoulder at Cal._

 _But if Cal cried, that was always a sign of weakness. A sign he was inadequate. And Cal saw no reason to disagree. Ethan, after all, was only a little boy. Cal was older and should be able to deal with this._

 _Cal got out of bed and walked out of the room with John at his side. His heart thudded in his chest as they reached the stairs. He remembered the time John had pushed him down the first couple of stairs; the time he'd picked him up and held him headfirst over the bannister; the time Cal had fallen all the way downstairs and he wasn't sure how, but he knew John had been behind him._

 _John didn't push Cal this time, but Cal could feel his father's eyes on him as they walked down the stairs into darkness; he could feel his mean little smile._

 _They reached the bottom of the stairs. Cal wanted to switch the light on, but he didn't dare move. He felt John's hand between his shoulder blades, shoving him towards the kitchen; he heard his mocking laughter as he tripped slightly on the threshold._

 _"_ _Stop," said John._

 _They were standing beside the airing cupboard. John opened the door wide._

 _"_ _Inside, Caleb."_

 _Cal hesitated. The cupboard was so small and cramped: why would anyone want him to go in there? A moment later, he felt the heel of John's hand slamming into his spine. He lost his balance and sprawled on the floor of the airing cupboard. John aimed a few swift kicks at Cal's ankles; his knees; anything he could reach. Cal curled up, whimpering him, protecting himself as much as he could and praying for his father to stop kicking him._

 _Then he did stop. The door closed with a click. The darkness swelled._

 _"_ _Dad?" Cal cried out in terror._

 _He heard John's voice, which seemed both far away and too close. "You can stay in there till you've learned your lesson!"_

 _"_ _But what have I done?" Cal began to cry._

 _Cal heard a click as the door was locked, then he heard nothing. He saw nothing._

 _He was all alone._

* * *

 _Cal dozed fitfully throughout the night, jerking awake every few minutes to find he was still alone in the dark. He wanted to bang on the door so Matilda would come and rescue him, but she was afraid. What if she didn't come? What if she thought Cal deserved this too? What if John even turned Ethan against him?_

 _He did try banging on the door a couple of hours later when he realised he needed to go to the loo, but no-one answered and his bladder couldn't hold out indefinitely. Cal felt the warm wetness underneath him and felt tears of shame running down his cheeks. He knew John would despise him for that too. So would Ethan: even he hadn't wet himself for a couple of years. Matilda would be so disappointed with him._

 _He cried himself to sleep and quickly woke again; this happened until the early hours of the morning when he heard a click as the door was unlocked._

 _Please be Mum. Please be Mum. Please be Mum. But Cal's prayers were not answered._

 _"Get up!" said John._

 _Cal got up, his pyjamas still wet and hoped the puddle on the floor would have evaporated, but then he saw John's eyes narrow to slits._

 _He sniffed a couple of times and his face twisted with disgust. "Can't even control your bladder now? Had to wee on the floor like a baby?"_

 _Cal lowered his head in shame._

 _"_ _Clean it up!" said John. "And then get back to bed, you worthless piece of scum."_


	7. Chapter 7

**bronny9** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you're happy with the way I'm writing this story. Ethan is definitely going to need to look after Cal. This is the chapter where Cal first starts to talk to Ethan, so I hope you enjoy it, if 'enjoy' is the right word!

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , Cal really was terrified and even though he's an adult now, his fears are so consuming, he probably believes it could happen again - and it's possible it will happen again if John finds him. Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. Cal probably thought he had got rid of his demons to an extent - he got away from his father and became a doctor - but some demons are just waiting to come back into your life again.

 **Tanith Panic** , it really is horrible for Cal - at the moment, Ethan just doesn't believe John's capable of doing anything bad and in a way, Cal wants him to keep thinking that rather than be hurt by the truth. But at the same time, he really needs Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , I think this is definitely the sort of situation that has the potential to drive Cal and Ethan apart - although their love for each other is strong, the bond between them is fragile and it doesn't take much to break it. I think you could be right about Cal's hangover! Thank you for your review. I'm happy you like this story.

* * *

Ethan wasn't surprised to hear the screaming at first. After all, he was in the middle of the ED. It wasn't uncommon to hear screaming, though these were more like screams of terror than screams of pain.

Then Ethan realised he wasn't in the ED at all. He was in bed. It was a dream.

He was halfway through a sigh of relief when he realised the screaming was still there. And it could only be one person.

Ethan grabbed his glasses, jumped out of bed and ran into his brother's room. The bedside light was on and Cal was tossing and turning in bed. His face was slick with perspiration, or perhaps tears. He was still screaming and moaning, curling in on himself as he begged someone to stop.

Ethan knew it would be better not to wake his brother, but he couldn't leave him to suffer like this. He sat down on the bed and reached for Cal's hand. He held it tightly, hoping he might somehow calm his dreams, and murmured to him soothingly as though Cal was a child.

It seemed to work. Some of the rigidity drained from Cal's body and his screams and moans became whimpers. Cal's eyelids flickered and then opened fully. He stared up at Ethan in relief that quickly became horror. He sat up straight in his bed, staring at his brother with an expression of fear in his eyes.

Ethan stroked his hand. "It's okay, Cal. Everything's okay. You were having a nightmare. But it's over now. You're with me and you're okay."

Cal stared at Ethan for a moment longer, then his face crumpled and he began to cry with big, deep sobs of despair. Ethan gasped in shock, his own eyes prickling, but then he put his arms tightly around Cal, his heart squeezing in sympathy as he felt the shudders running through Cal's muscular frame.

"It's okay, Cal. It's okay now. I'm here," said Ethan. He stroked Cal's hair as he felt Cal clinging to him. "I'm not going to leave you, okay?"

He wondered what could have caused the nightmare. Sometimes nightmares did happen for no reason – the dream Ethan had been having about the ED could well have developed into one if Ethan hadn't woken up. But he knew Cal had been stressed and upset today. Although his reaction to their father was, in Ethan's opinion, completely unreasonable, he realised it might have been a bit more than simple annoyance. Perhaps John's presence had caused Cal genuine distress.

Something flashed into Ethan's memory. It was too fast for him to catch hold of it, but it gave him a sense of uneasiness that made him hold Cal more tightly. "It's okay, Cal. Everything's going to be fine. I'm here now. Whatever's wrong, I'm going to help you get through it. I promise."

Cal trembled in Ethan's arms, but he seemed to be calming down a bit. He held on to Ethan for a bit longer, then he slowly pulled away, sniffing and wiping his eyes.

Ethan put his hand on Cal's shoulder and squeezed it gently. "Would you like to tell me what happened?"

"I can't," whispered Cal.

"Of course you can," said Ethan. "I'm your brother and you can tell me anything."

Cal sniffed. "You wouldn't believe me."

"Of course I will," said Ethan. "I can see something's really wrong, Cal. I can see how upset and… and afraid you are. I really do want to help."

"You can't help," said Cal, his eyes filling again. "No-one can."

"I know it sometimes feels like that, but it's not always true," said Ethan. He reached out and brushed a tear from Cal's cheek. "You can tell me anything. I promise I'll listen and I'll support you."

"I've never told anyone before," said Cal, his voice shaky.

"It's okay," said Ethan. He reached around Cal to prop up the pillows. "Here: sit back for me. And move up a bit."

Cal did as he was told. Ethan sat beside him and put his arm around him.

"There's no hurry, Cal. Take as long as you need. I'm not going anywhere. If it takes all night, that's fine. If it takes longer than that, that's fine too. But please give me the chance to help you. I'm your brother and I care about you."

Cal shook his head as more tears slid down his cheeks. "I promised myself I'd never tell you. I don't want to… spoil it for you."

"You won't be spoiling anything," said Ethan firmly. "If something or someone is upsetting my brother, then it's already spoiled as far as I'm concerned. But if you tell me, maybe I can make it better in some way."

"I don't know if I can tell you…" said Cal softly.

"I don't want to put pressure on you," said Ethan. "If you really don't want to tell me, we can talk about something else or just sit in silence." He paused. "If it helps, I am really sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier. I thought it was just because you and Dad didn't get on. But he made you really unhappy, didn't he?"

Cal looked at him, more tears falling. His eyes were full of warring emotions, as though he wasn't sure whether to tell Ethan or not.

"It is about Dad, isn't it?" said Ethan. "About the reason why you're not happy to see him; the reason why you hid his presence in the ED from me." He looked at Cal for a moment feeling the sharp sting of guilt. "The reason why you left home and never came back."

Cal nodded ever so slightly.

Ethan had to look away from him for a moment as he fought back tears. He'd got it wrong; so horribly wrong and now he'd hurt his brother even more, "I'm so sorry, Cal. For everything. For not realising how bad it was. For making you feel you couldn't tell me what happened." He turned back to Cal, his emotions under control for now. "I know this must be so difficult to talk about, but do you think you might be able to tell me what Dad did to you?"

"If I tell you," said Cal, "it'll change everything."

"No, it won't," said Ethan. "It'll just mean I can see more clearly – and I think that's important. For both of us." He sat back slightly and looked into Cal's wet eyes. "Whatever this is, Cal, you've obviously been carrying it for a long time and it's still hurting you. But if you tell me now, maybe it won't hurt so badly. We can deal with it together."

"I don't want to hurt you," wept Cal. "I never wanted that. You're my baby brother. I had to protect you."

Ethan hugged him closer. "I'm your _younger_ brother, Cal, but I'm not a baby anymore. I'm all grown-up and whatever's happened, I can handle it. I'm sure I can. Please will you tell me? I don't want to lose Dad, but if he's not the man I thought he was, then I've already lost him. But you're my brother, Cal, and I'm not going to lose you."

Cal was silent for a while, then Ethan felt him nodding. "Okay. I'll tell you. I'll probably regret it tomorrow morning, but…"

"Tomorrow morning doesn't matter," said Ethan. "We'll deal with it when it comes. For now, just tell me whatever you need to, okay? I'm not going to leave you. I'm here and I'm listening."

* * *

Cal didn't know how long he'd been longing to hear those words. It seemed lately that Ethan hardly ever listened; he simply drew his own conclusions based on his knowledge of Cal. Cal didn't blame him for that: if his reputation had preceded him, it was hardly Ethan's fault. But it hurt sometimes and it could be very lonely, being always misunderstood.

Yet still a part of him held back. He didn't want to shatter Ethan's illusions that their father was a good man. He didn't want to make Ethan feel guilty for not realising what John had taken great care to hide from him.

He didn't want to tell Ethan the truth and be pushed away in disgusted disbelief that Cal could say something so wicked about his own father.

He glanced at Ethan: there was concern on his face but also encouragement. He gave Cal a smile and rubbed his shoulder but made no attempt to hurry him. The arm around Cal's shoulders was warm; so was Ethan's side, pressed close to his. He wondered when Ethan had last comforted him like this and he thought the truth was probably never. As a child, Ethan had sometimes hugged his upset older brother, but that was different. That was a small child attempting to comfort an older one. Ethan was comforting him now as his equal.

Ethan was right. He was an adult now – probably more of one than Cal. He was strong enough to handle this.

"I don't want to upset you," said Cal in a small voice. "And I suppose I don't really expect you to believe me. You were there; you probably think nothing could have happened without you knowing it." He looked at Ethan and took comfort from his steady gaze. "And I don't want you to feel bad for not knowing it either. You were a kid and John is a clever man."

Ethan gave the slightest flinch at Cal's use of their father's first name, but then he smiled and nodded. "Please don't worry about me, Cal. This is about you, okay?"

"I don't know what I did to him; why he hated me so much," said Cal. "I knew I could be a little brat at times, but I'm sure I wasn't that bad. But I don't know because he hardly ever told me what I'd done. He just told me I knew – and sometimes I did. But most of the time, I had no idea at all."

He waited for Ethan to say he must have known what he'd done or that it wasn't their dad's fault Cal was blind to his own faults, but he just smiled slightly and squeezed Cal's shoulder.

"So he'd punish me," said Cal. "He waited till you and Mum were in bed, then he…"


	8. Chapter 8

**20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. It is a difficult decision for Ethan to make - on the one hand is a man he's always loved and admired and as on the other is a selfish underachiever who, to quote Ethan, has 'a tentative relationship with the truth'. But I know which side I want him to be on! Thank you for your review.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review. Ethan has to decide between two people as I said above, but he has seen how completely distraught Cal is and he has been supportive so far. I'm really happy you liked the update. I think this story will have at least two more chapters.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I don't know if I should tell you if you're right or not - I don't like to give spoilers, but it's going to be horrible reading the chapter and wondering if and when Cal is going to say his dad raped him. So I will tell you: John didn't rape Cal. That's really the one positive. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I think even if Ethan does believe Cal and offer him 100% support, it's not going to solve the problem easily. Cal will still have to go back to work, knowing his dad could still be in Holby and nothing is going to change what happened to Cal. So a lot depends on where I end this story and what would count as a happy ending in the circumstances. I'm actually not sure how I'm going to end it - I'm still working that out! Thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I agree - Ethan does need to know everything. It's going to hurt, but I think if he wants to support Cal and/or make an informed decision on what his future relationship with John will be like, he needs all the facts. And Cal needs Ethan!

* * *

Cal was trembling. He groped for Ethan's free hand. Ethan's hand was smaller than Cal's, but Ethan held it firmly, warming it with his hand and stroking Cal's fingers.

"He'd drag me from my bed," said Cal, his voice shaking. "I knew I mustn't make a sound. I don't know how, but I always knew. He took me to the stairs and I was so afraid. I wondered if this would be the day when he threw me down them. Or pushed me. I think he did push me once, but I was never sure and even if I did, it didn't matter: it would be his word against mine. He'd say he didn't get me out of bed; that he'd only woken up when he heard me walking across the landing; that he arrived too late to save me. And everyone would believe him. Why would they believe me?"

Ethan held him more tightly. "I believe you, Cal," he said quietly.

Cal gave a shuddering sob of relief and hugged his brother in sudden, wordless gratitude. Ethan's eyes widened slightly as though he hadn't realised how much his words would mean to Cal, and put his other arm around him.

"Yes, I believe you, Cal," said Ethan firmly but gently. "Please go on when you're ready."

Cal leaned against him, resting his head against Ethan's. "I never knew what he was going to do to me. There were so many things. All I knew was that I couldn't told anyone; if I dropped even one hint, I'd be branded a liar and then you and Mum would know how horrible I was. It would break your hearts; I didn't want that. I loved you both so much. He said he did it to protect you; so you wouldn't know the truth about me. He did it in some vain hope of making a man of me because he knew I couldn't do it alone. He said it was good for me, but it frightened me. Walking downstairs in the dark with him beside me, sometimes feeling his hand against my shoulder blades and waiting for the push; listening to his laughter when I lost my footing slightly out of fear; feeling him lift me off my feet and swing me back and forth like he was going to throw me down the stairs; hanging me headfirst over the bannister. And the punishment hadn't even started yet."

He felt his shoulders shaking and realised he was sobbing. Ethan held him more tightly. "I'm here, Cal. I'm here. I'm so sorry," he murmured.

"He was always so careful," said Cal, as his tears fell in a steady stream. "Lots of people bruise the back and stomach where the bruises can't be seen, but if anyone does see, then they know; there's proof. He usually only hurt me where it could have happened accidentally. He would scrape my knees raw and tell me I fell over. He would nick my finger and tell me I'd been playing with knives again. Sometimes he locked me in cupboards; filled the sink with water and held my head underneath it. Never enough for me to lose consciousness but always enough to frighten me. Other times, he made me sit on the floor and he told me what he thought of me. That I was bad. Worthless. A nobody. A nothing. How much I was going to break Mum's heart and yours because he didn't believe he could hide the truth forever." Cal sobbed harder. "The words he said… he always spoke quietly but that made it worse. And I thought he must be right. It was so awful, Ethan."

"I know, Cal. I know." Ethan held Cal close to him and let him cry. "It sounds terrible and I really am so sorry I had no idea. But he can't hurt you anymore. I won't let him. You protected me when I was small; now it's my turn to protect you."

Cal continued to sob as he clung to Ethan. "I didn't think you'd believe me."

"Cal, of course I believe you," said Ethan. "You misinterpret things sometimes. You get them all mixed up in your head. But the things you describe – they can't be misinterpreted. And I know you tell lies sometimes, but this is different. You wouldn't make up something like this. Never."

The certainty in Ethan's voice made Cal cry harder, but his tears were different now. His sobs were more of relief than aching sadness or hysterical fear. Ethan believed him. Ethan _believed_ him, despite all he'd done to show he couldn't be trusted.

"And besides," said Ethan, and his voice was shaking too now, "I knew."

Cal didn't register his words at first. He just knew Ethan was speaking to him and that made him feel everything would be okay. He didn't know when or how, but some day…

But then Ethan's words began to make sense. "You _knew_?" Cal couldn't keep the soft disbelief from his voice. He pulled away from Ethan and saw tears in his eyes. And then he had a far worse thought. "You mean he did the same to you?"

He was horror-struck. Despite all he'd done to protect his little brother, John had still got to him.

Cal had failed.

"Oh, no. Not at all. No," said Ethan quickly. "I mean… well, I don't know what I mean. I don't mean I knew what he was doing. If I had known, I would have done something. I'm sure I would have done something. I _hope_ I would have done something to stop him."

"Of course you would," said Cal, trying to reassure him, but it was difficult being the comforter when he was the one crying and afraid.

"I loved him," said Ethan, and Cal didn't miss the past tense. "I loved, admired and wanted to be like him and he never showed anything but kindness and love to me. But…" He paused and glanced at Cal. "But I always knew I was afraid of him."

Cal gasped and remorse flooded through him. He'd left his little brother when he was afraid.

Ethan hastily reached for his hand. "Cal, it's okay. It's not your fault. Really. I thought perhaps everyone was afraid of their father, but as I grew up, I realised that wasn't true. There was something about him that made me afraid and it wasn't the arguments he had with you. If you'll forgive me for saying so, I always felt they were justified." He lowered his head, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. "I expect I misinterpreted most of it. It's easy to assume your parents are always right about everything. But now realise the worst parts must have gone on when I was asleep… Cal, will you ever forgive me?"

Cal looked at him in amazement. "Ethan, there's nothing to forgive. You never did anything wrong. You didn't know what was happening. You couldn't have done. John was too clever and no-one could have figured out the truth just from a vague sense of unease. And you were a child, Ethan!" He hugged Ethan again, needing his comfort as much as he needed to offer it. "I just hope you can forgive me for leaving you. I never should have done it. I was just running away as always; telling myself I was making everything better. I told myself John would never turn on you and Mum, but I couldn't have known that. I'm sorry, Ethan." Tears flooded his eyes again. "John was right. I am useless. I'm a coward. I always run away."

Ethan hugged him tightly, shushing him gently. "You're not useless, Cal. You're not useless at all. You're a wonderful big brother. You did everything you could to protect me from him today and you did the same when we were growing up. You always took the blame for everything. A coward would never have done that. I was the coward for not speaking up and telling him it was me."

"No. You were just a kid, Ethan," said Cal. He sat up and looked Ethan in the eye. "A little kid who was afraid, without knowing why. Don't ever blame yourself for this, Ethan. It wasn't your fault."

Ethan took Cal's hands in his. "And don't you blame yourself either, Cal. I was just a kid – but so were you. But even if you'd been an adult, it still wouldn't have been your fault. Please don't ever forget that. None of this was your fault. He saw you as his victim and he made the most of it. You didn't deserve what he did to you. Not at all. You could have been ten times naughtier; ten times cheekier; ten times more of a pain in the backside and you would not have deserved it." His voice was firm; his eyes looked straight into Cal's. "You did not deserve what he did to you. I know it's probably hard for you to believe it, but it's true and I'm never going to stop saying it."

Cal sniffled and felt more tears falling.

"It's okay if you don't want to answer this," said Ethan gently, "but did he say something to you today?"

Cal nodded.

Ethan put his arm around him again. "Would you like to tell me what he said? Was it the same kind of thing as he used to say?"

Cal nodded again.

"Thank you for telling me," said Ethan, hugging him close. "As I found out last week, sometimes bullies do regret their actions, but some of them never do."

"I don't think he knew we worked there," Cal managed to say through his tears.

"And we'll do what we can to make sure he doesn't bother us there again," said Ethan. He reached up and brushed some of Cal's tears away. "I'm here for you, Cal. There is some more we'll need to talk about. Some things we need to decide. But we don't need to talk about that till you're ready, okay?"

"Okay." Cal smiled at his brother in gratitude that quickly became admiration. "How can you take it so well? I told you a man you admire is capable of _that_ …"

"Because you need me to be strong," said Ethan, his eyes holding Cal's. "Of course I'm shocked and sad, but my priority is taking care of my brother who's been through something terrible. That's what matters most to me. You."


	9. Chapter 9

**bronny9** , thank you for your review. I'm really glad you're happy with the way this is going. Even though Cal is so upset, I thought he'd still be worried about Ethan as it's always been so important for him to protect his little brother. But little brothers can be protective too!

 **westlife4ever80** , I'm not sure how Cal would have coped if Ethan didn't believe him. Or how I could have coped with writing it! Ethan could easily have pushed him away as he often doesn't listen properly to Cal, but luckily this isn't one of those times. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I always think I can't love Ethan any more and then I find a reason! Not so much in recent episodes, but I rewatched his first episode recently and he is so adorable. Though so is Cal! I think Cal's even more amazing than he pretends to think he is.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. Cal will need lots of love from Ethan (actually, I wouldn't mind a bit of that!) so I'll do my best to ensure he provides it! The waiting and wondering can be the worst part, but that's all part of the abuse: not just hurting Cal but making him scared.

* * *

Ethan did cry once Cal was asleep. He held Cal's head against his chest and turned his face away to let the pillow soak up his tears. He cried silently, holding his brother in his arms and silently swearing that he would do everything he could to help him.

Exactly what he did would depend on what Cal wanted him to do. A part of Ethan wanted to report John to the police right now and ensure he went to prison forever, but that wasn't Ethan's decision to make. It was Cal's. Ethan's job was to support him no matter what.

At last, Ethan's tears stopped and he drifted off to sleep, but it didn't seem very much later that he felt Cal stirring in his arms and awoke instantly, the memories of the night before rushing into his mind as he wrapped his arms more securely around his brother.

"Ethan?" said Cal, frowning slightly as surprise, then concern came into his eyes.

Ethan didn't know what to say. He only wished the memories could remain in Cal's subconscious forever – but Cal needed to know about John in order to keep himself safe. Ethan couldn't be there at every moment – though there was no way he was leaving Cal's side today.

Ethan's heart broke again as he watched Cal remember. Tears welled up again and Ethan spoke to him softly, gathering him close. "I'm here, Cal. I'll always be here."

Cal clung to him for a few minutes, trembling in Ethan's embrace, then he sat up and wiped his tears away. "So what now?"

"That's up to you," said Ethan. "And you don't have to make a decision now." He looked into Cal's frightened eyes and saw a glimpse of the little boy he must have been: lost and bewildered and completely unable to understand why his father was treating him like that. "I need to phone the ED and say we're not coming in today. Do you mind if I use your phone? I don't want to leave you just yet."

He heard Cal's indrawn breath and saw the panic in his eyes. "But we can't… we have to…"

"You're in no state to work and neither am I really: I'll be so worried about you, I'll never be able to concentrate on my patients," said Ethan. "I'll say we're both ill and leave it at that." He smiled and tried a gentle joke. "I'll say you tried cooking for us again."

Cal's lips twitched slightly and he gave a shaky laugh. The sound of it made Ethan feel emotional and he quickly turned away to get Cal's phone, blinking away tears. He thought of all the times Cal had laughed in his life – very often at Ethan – and felt the deepest admiration that he was able to laugh; able to carry on with his life and become a doctor despite what he'd experienced as a child. Ethan doubted even one day could pass without Cal thinking of it.

Ethan blinked hard, swallowed, and picked up Cal's phone.

"Ethan?" whispered Cal from behind him.

Ethan turned to face him. "Yes, Cal? I'm here."

"Please tell her the truth."

"Mrs Beauchamp?" said Ethan, startled. "About... no, I can't, Cal. I can't."

"I don't want you to lie," said Cal, looking sadly at Ethan. "I know you hate lying."

Ethan was touched. He could tell Cal didn't want Connie to know, but he was thinking of Ethan.

Cal had always seemed so selfish; he'd seemed to think of no-one but himself. But perhaps he'd been thinking of Ethan all along.

"I do hate lying, Cal, but this is a very private matter," said Ethan at last. "We're under no obligation to tell Mrs Beauchamp what D… what he did to you. If you want me to tell her, then of course I can, but there are some things even Mrs Beauchamp doesn't have the right to know. I really would leave it a while. Maybe we'll need to tell her eventually so she can support you, but we shouldn't tell her unless you're ready."

Cal considered for a moment, his hand reaching out towards Ethan's. Ethan held it tightly.

"I could always tell her we need the day off because of a very private family matter?" suggested Ethan. "I don't think she'll ask too many questions."

Cal nodded in relief, a smile of gratitude coming to his face as he looked at Ethan. "Yes. Please say that, Ethan."

Ethan smiled back and squeezed his brother's hand.

* * *

A few days passed. Cal gradually told Ethan everything. It was difficult for Cal, both because it was difficult for him to think about it and because he didn't want to give Ethan too many shocks at once. His brother had been so strong, but Cal knew he was shocked and hurting. No-one as caring as Ethan could fail to be so, but he rarely showed any signs of his feelings. His focus was entirely on Cal.

When Cal said he was ready to go back to work, Ethan looked at him in concern and asked if he was sure, but Cal nodded. "I have to go back sooner or later. I don't think waiting is going to make it any easier. But Ethan…"

"Yes?" said Ethan at once, taking Cal's hand in his as his eyes promised he'd do everything in his power to help Cal.

Cal looked fearful, then embarrassed. "I don't want to go back to work unless you're working too."

"Of course I'll be working," said Ethan, as though nothing else had occurred to him. "And… I know this is an odd thing to suggest, but perhaps it would be easier if your first day back is in Resus? Then we'll have less contact with the waiting room and be less accessible to patients."

Cal looked at him in relief and wonder. It had amazed him frequently over the last few days how well Ethan understood. He would never say so out loud – not after all the support Ethan had showed him – but understanding Cal's desires and needs hadn't always been something Ethan found easy. He'd make up his own mind about Cal without really speaking to him about it. He already had a picture in his mind of what Cal was like and his mind naturally translated everything Cal said into something that would fit that picture.

Until now.

Now, Ethan's picture of Cal had changed. Cal had worried at first that Ethan saw him as a weaker person, but when he'd tentatively asked Ethan, Ethan had hastened to put those fears to rest.

"No, Cal. I don't think you're weak. I think you're immeasurably strong. You were made to feel weak and worthless every day of your life as a child, but you didn't let that stop you from achieving your dreams. I used to think you were weak because you were so indecisive and uncommitted, but it's difficult to make decisions or commit to anything when you're sure you'll fail. It's difficult to do what you want when you don't believe you can do it. And you had no support, Cal. Mum would have supported you in everything and so would I, but that was probably always outweighed by what D- what he said to us. But once you'd left him, you weren't just free of his influence. You were also free of our support. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you and I'm so proud of what you achieved. I mean that, Cal. I am humbled and awed by your courage. I can only dream of being more like you."

Cal looked a him in confusion. "But you're brilliant, Ethan. You passed medical school first time. You passed MCEM first time. I bet you'll pass FCEM first time too."

"But I didn't have anyone telling me I couldn't do it," said Ethan simply. "Or at least no-one who was supposed to be one of the most important people in my life."

"Neither did I," said Cal. "I'd lost all contact with him then."

"I know, but that doesn't change the past," said Ethan. "You'll still have the memories; the echoes of what he said. And I do know that can be difficult. You know I was bullied at school. Sometimes I still hear those voices in my mind. But for you, it would have been so much worse. A parent is so much more important than a random group of people at school. I do think, in a way, Dad didn't know you because he didn't see all the good in you. He only saw the version of you he'd constructed in his mind. But how could a child understand the concept of a parent not knowing them? And once you've been treated like that as a child, it becomes so ingrained in your mind as fact, your adult self can't separate one person's opinion from the real facts."

Cal looked at Ethan in admiration. "How do you know all that?"

"Partly from my job," said Ethan. "Partly from medical school – I'm sure you learned a bit about how to detect signs of abuse and how to know who to refer to the psych team, but I went into it a bit more deeply than that. And also…" Ethan paused for a moment, his face filling with sadness. "And perhaps, in a subconscious sort of way, I saw enough of what happened between you and… and John to teach me something about abuse, even though I didn't know what was happening. I don't know. But it makes sense to me. A lot of things make sense that I could never understand. That's partly why you frustrated me so much." He gripped Cal's hand more tightly. "But I'm not frustrated by you now, Cal. I admire you. Very much. And I'll be there beside you when you go back to work."


	10. Chapter 10

**westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. I'm so happy you like the chapter. I really appreciate what you said. It's sad that it took something like this to bring them closer together, though I expect Cal's disappearance from their lives is part of what pulled them apart.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you liked the bonding between the brothers - I love to see, read and write about them supporting each other. There might be more comforting in this chapter.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I'm glad Ethan is being there for Cal too - I love it when the brothers are there for each other, but they both tend to push each other away. I think 'be there for Cal' would be a much better motto for Ethan than 'be more Cal'! Thank you for your reviews.

 **Tanith Panic** , I think both brothers are very vulnerable, but Ethan has the advantage of being younger, smaller, shyer, sweeter... everyone wants to protect the baby! I wonder what would have happened to Taylor if she'd shown up for the romantic meal Cal cooked for her. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal stared down at his shaky hands. He was sitting in the car, but he felt dizzy. He thought he might be sick.

Ethan took Cal's hands in his. "You can do this. I know you can. But just because you can, it doesn't mean you have to. If you'd rather wait for another day, that's fine with me and it's fine with Mrs Beauchamp. And you know you don't have to stay for the whole day; you don't even have to work if you don't want to. The main point of today is to try to help you walk through the doors. Anything else you can give us is a bonus."

Cal clung gratefully to Ethan's hands. The idea of going home was tempting; of curling up on the sofa with Ethan beside him and hiding for another day.

But he knew that wouldn't make it easier. No matter how many more days he took off work, this moment would be terrifying.

He lifted his head and met Ethan's compassionate gaze. "It's okay. I can go in."

Ethan smiled proudly at his brother. He let go of his hands and gave him a hug. "I know you can do this, Cal. And I'll be right there."

Cal was grateful for Ethan's arm around him as they walked into the ED. They knew the chances of John's being there were small: Ethan had found recent photos of him online and had sent copies to Connie and the reception staff, but Cal was still trembling as he walked into the place where he'd last seen John. He anxiously scanned the waiting room, aware that many patients had his back to him or were hidden by pillars.

"Cal! Ethan!"

It wasn't John's voice, but Cal still shrunk closer to Ethan.

"Hello, Mrs Beauchamp," said Ethan.

Cal lifted his head and saw that it was indeed their clinical lead. "Hi, Mrs Beauchamp."

"I'm really glad you could come." Connie had said those words to them before, but it was the first time they haven't been laced with sarcasm. "Would you like to come to my office for a chat? It's all right. He's not here."

"A chat sounds good, Mrs Beauchamp," said Cal in a quiet voice that really didn't sound like his.

Ethan rubbed Cal's back reassuringly. "You'll be fine, Cal. You're doing really well."

"You are doing well, Cal," said Connie. "And you know I wouldn't say it unless I meant it. Come on, both of you."

Cal followed her. Although he was reasonably sure Connie wouldn't have John hidden in her office, he was relieved the invitation had included Ethan.

"I think we all need a coffee," said Connie, as they neared the coffee shop. Despite his fears, Cal found himself glancing at Ethan and saw his brother's cheeks go pink as he thought of Honey. "What would you like?"

"I'd like a flat white, please," said Ethan.

 _And the barista_ , thought Cal. He looked towards the shop and took a deep breath. "Why don't you get the coffees, Ethan? I'll go with Mrs Beauchamp."

Ethan looked concerned. "Are you sure you'll be okay?"

It was a reasonable question considering Cal had asked Ethan to remain with him for the whole day, but he nodded. "Just don't stand there chatting all day."

Ethan blushed as he suddenly realised what Cal was doing. "Caleb!"

"Ethan, you've done so much for me," said Cal. He could feel his heartrate had sped up, but he knew he had to do this. "Please let me do something for you. You go and buy our coffees from Honey."

"I really am happy to stay with you," said Ethan nervously.

There was an amused smile on Connie's face. "Cal's quite right, Ethan. And if he's happy to try being on his own for a short time – albeit under my protection – that should only be encouraged and supported."

Ethan spluttered slightly as he realised there was no argument to that. "Okay, but will you please call me if you need me?"

"I promise," said Cal.

Connie gave Ethan some very precise instructions about how she liked her coffee and he gave Cal a nervous look before going into the shop. Connie reached out and squeezed Cal's arm briefly. "To my office then?"

"Your office," said Cal.

* * *

"Ethan!" said Honey, her face lighting up when she saw him. "I haven't seen you for ages!"

"C-Caleb and I were on leave for family reasons," stuttered Ethan. She looked so beautiful. He wondered if he'd ever have the courage to tell her. Cal would be able to do it, but Cal was the bravest person he knew.

Honey looked concerned. "Is everything okay now?"

"It's hard to say," admitted Ethan. "It could take a while. But we're back now and we'll see how today goes."

"You know you can always talk to me if you need to," said Honey. "Or if you want me to tell you your future or something…"

"I'll… mention it to Cal," said Ethan. "Thank you, Honey."

Honey smiled at him as she leaned on the counter. "So… do you want anything?"

"Um... three coffees, please," said Ethan, as Connie's very precise instructions vanished from his mind forever.

* * *

Cal was breathing quickly, but he didn't feel as though much air was going in at all. He wanted Ethan. He needed Ethan. But he couldn't get in the way of Ethan's chance of happiness.

"Cal, it's okay." Connie sat beside him and took his hands. "Can you look at me? That's right. Well done. I know it's hard being away from Ethan, but I know you can do this. Okay?"

"Okay," said Cal shakily. Connie knew everything so if she said he could do this, she must be right.

"Now, I need you to breathe in for me," said Connie. "And out. Let's try for a bigger breath this time. In… and out. That's better. In… and out. Very good. Again for me? In…"

She was interrupted by a knock at the door.

"If that's Dr Hardy, please come in," said Connie. "If it's not, I'm busy."

Ethan opened the door. "Um, Honey's helping me carry the coffees. Can she come in too, please?"

"Yes, of course," said Connie. She took the coffees from Ethan and put them on the table. Then she took the one Honey was holding.

"That one's Ethan's," said Honey. "Yours is the one on the left. I've done it just how you like it."

"Thank you, Honey," said Connie.

"You're welcome, Mrs Beauchamp," said Honey, and curtseyed. "Sorry. I don't know why I did that!"

Ethan gazed at Honey adoringly.

"Don't worry, Honey. I do tend to have that effect on people," said Connie, smiling. She waited till Honey had gone. "She's a very pleasant young lady, Ethan."

"Thank you," said Ethan. He blushed. "I mean… um…" He turned quickly to Cal. "Are you all right?"

Cal nodded and smiled, his breathing now under control. "I'm okay."

Connie stood up. She picked up her coffee and carried it to the other side of our desk. "Okay. We need to come up with a plan."

* * *

Ethan stayed close to Cal as they left the office together. Connie had phoned Noel to check John hadn't come in, but Noel did miss things sometimes. It was so easy to get distracted. Ethan listened to Cal's rapid breathing and stroked his arm, hoping it would give him some comfort. He was so focused on Cal, he didn't think of Honey till they were already past the shop.

Noel saw them coming and smiled. Ethan felt Cal relax just slightly and they went to the desk together.

"Everything's fine, Cal. He's not here."

"Thanks," said Cal softly.

Ethan knew Cal wasn't happy Noel knew, but the receptionist was the only member of staff who would be in the waiting room almost all the time. Noel could be a bit of a gossip, which Ethan knew worried Cal, but he was also a loyal friend.

Ethan guided Cal towards the staff room. They passed various people on the way. Rita asked if they were okay and said it was really good to see them back. Zoe and Max let go of one another long enough to say hello. Dylan asked rather diffidently if Cal was all right and said: "Good!" when Cal said he was.

At last, they reached the staff room. "Are you ready to get changed?" asked Ethan.

Cal nodded. Ethan smiled at him proudly. When they were ready, they left the staff room and walked towards Resus.

"It's going to be okay," said Ethan. "We'll just do as much or as little as you're comfortable with, like Mrs Beauchamp said. You can treat patients for the rest of the day or you can go home now or you can do anything in between."

Cal nodded, but he was breathing shallowly. "Okay," he managed, though he looked pale and sweaty.

Ethan pulled him into a hug. He held his brother tightly, rubbing his back. "It's going to be okay, Cal. You can do this. If you can't do this today, you can do it another day, but you've done so well to get this far and I'm so proud of you."

"But what if I can't do it?" said Cal in a little voice that made Ethan want to cry.

"Of course you can do it, Cal. I believe in you." Ethan held him for a moment longer, then he let go and smiled at him.

Cal swallowed nervously and tried to smile back. "Okay. Let's do this."

Ethan's smile widened. "Yes. Let's do this."

* * *

They walked into Resus together and looked around. There were no patients, though there were a couple of hospital workers in the room, checking the machines and replenishing supplies. Cal stood with his back against the wall and looked uncomfortable. Ethan squeezed beside him and put his arm discreetly around Cal as he quietly told him about the time he'd accidentally sneezed on an unconscious patient, who'd immediately woken up.

"Oh, Nibbles," said Cal, managing a slightly smile as he looked at his brother. "Why can't you just sneeze in your sleeve like everyone else?"

Ethan couldn't help making a face, but he replied with dignity: "It took me by surprise."

"And the patient, it sounds like!" Cal smiled at him. "But in a good way."

Ethan was smiling back at him when the door opened and Connie entered. "RTC, five minutes. Dr Knight and Dr Hardy, it's completely up to you to what extent you're involved."


	11. Chapter 11

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. The RTC victim isn't John as Cal and Ethan wouldn't be allowed to treat a relative, but that doesn't mean it'll be easy for Cal. I'm glad you like the way Connie and Ethan reassured Cal. They're both very kind people, but they both quite often assume the worst with Cal.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review. I agree Cal wouldn't be able to cope with treating their dad - it wouldn't be allowed anyway, but I doubt Connie would want him to take on such a big challenge on his first day back. But Cal hasn't seen the last of John. I'm glad you like the way everyone is supporting Cal.

 **westlife4ever80** , one thing I love about Connie is that you never quite know if she's going to be absolutely lovely or completely terrifying! But luckily this time she realised Cal has a genuine problem and needs a lot of support, which is lucky as I don't think Cal could cope with a scary boss now! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad you like the humour in this - I didn't want to ignore the Ethan-Honey situation as it was going on at this time, but I didn't want it to be too funny. I can imagine Honey being completely overawed by Connie, though I could also imagine her chatting to Connie like she's a mate and not noticing how scary she is. I'm so glad you liked this. Thank you for your review.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. Apart from the fact it wouldn't be allowed to happen, I think it would be too cruel of me to make Cal treat John on his first day back! But there will be a scene with the three of them at some point and I hope this one is still eventful.

 **20BlueRoses** , I think you're right about Cal regressing to a child in some ways. He believes the lies and he can't fake the confidence which I think convinced not only everyone else but Cal himself. He really does need Ethan at the moment. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal felt so different now: so much weaker and more vulnerable. He wasn't hiding from his fears anymore and even though everyone told him this was a good thing, he couldn't help feeling he must be a worse doctor now.

Ethan had insisted he would be okay; that he would remember every procedure and he would still have the ability to perform them. Cal hoped he was right, but ability on its own wasn't enough – you needed confidence too and that was in very short supply for Cal at the moment.

"We need to intubate," said Connie. "As the patient was leaving a restaurant, we can assume he has a full stomach so we'll do an RSI to prevent aspiration of stomach contents. Dr Knight, are you okay to do this?"

 _No, I can't!_ "Yes, of course," said Cal.

"Would you like me to assist?" said Ethan, staying close to his brother.

"Thank you, Dr Hardy," said Connie.

The patient needed to use an bag valve mask for a few minutes prior to RSI, so Cal prepared this first, Ethan was hovering anxiously beside him. Clearly, even Ethan was afraid he'd mess it up. Cal wanted to run away and keep on running, but he knew he somehow had to get through this. He needed to prove he was still a good doctor; that John was wrong about him.

Cal watched at the patient. The minutes ticked by. _Rapid sequence intubation? They should change the name to extremely slow sequence intubation. Nothing rapid about this._

The humour calmed him slightly, but then he heard John's voice. _Isn't that just typical of you? Pretending life's just a big joke to hide the fact you can't cope._

Cal felt his fists clenching. _I can cope! I'm not a bad doctor._

Ethan put his hand on Cal's back and rubbed it lightly.

"Okay, let's change to continuous high-flow nasal cannulae oxygen," said Connie.

"Sh-should we administer atropine?" asked Cal nervously, once the cannulation was done. He didn't _think_ it was necessary. But what did he know?

"Good thought, but I don't think so," said Connie. She regarded the patient for a moment and asked for 0.3mg etomidate to be administered. "What muscle relaxant do you suggest, Dr Knight?"

"Oh, um, sexamethonium," said Cal. "No, wait. Is the patient hyperkalaemic?" He couldn't remember. Why couldn't he remember?"

"No," said Ethan in Cal's ear.

"1.5mg of suxamethonium, please," said Cal.

"Excellent," said Connie.

 _No. Ethan is excellent. Not me. He had to tell me about my own patient._

When the patient began to lose muscle tone, Cal picked up the laryngoscope so he could determine the exact position for tube placement. He would normally have repositioned the patient's head and neck to open the airway further, but her cervical spine hadn't been cleared.

Or had it? Was he wrong? Cal started to panic, but then he realised the patient was wearing a head restraint. Of course the cervical spine hadn't been cleared.

"I'll apply cricoid pressure," said Ethan, and palpated the area.

"Thanks," said Cal, but his hands shook slightly as he wondered if he should have told Ethan to do that.

"You can do this, Cal," said Ethan quietly as he located the larynx, trachea and hyoid bone before applying light pressure to the cricoid cartilage. "Ready when you are, Cal."

Cal began to insert the laryngoscope. "Ethan, I can't visualise the larynx," he said his voice shaking. "Do you think I'm in the oesophagus?"

Ethan moved the cricoid cartilage from side to side. "No, I think you're okay. You're doing fine. Just keep going."

"Okay, I've got it," said Cal in relief. He had to keep calm. "Tube, please."

Connie handed it to him.

Cal used the laryngoscope to hold the patient's tongue aside while he inserted the tube.

"Nice and slowly," said Connie.

"It's okay. You're doing really well," said Ethan.

Cal's breathing quickened. "I can't…"

"Yes, you can," said Ethan. "We've seen you do it before."

"No, I can't!"

"I'll reduce pressure on the cricoid cartilage," said Ethan. "Is that better?"

To Cal's relief, he was able to move the tube. "I've got it, Ethan. I've got it."

Ethan's voice filled with pride. "That looks good. Let me know if you need me to reduce the cricoid pressure further."

"I think it's okay," said Cal. He continued to insert the tube.

Ethan looked up. "Cal, I just felt the larynx lift. I think the blade's too deep. Don't worry: it's very easy to do. Can you retract it slightly? Yes: that's good. I can feel the tip – so placement must be correct."

"Okay, you can relax the…" Cal stopped. _What's wrong with me?_ Ethan couldn't let go till Cal had inflated the cuff. He took care of it quickly and then spoke to Ethan again. "Release cricoid pressure, please."

Ethan released the pressure and smiled at his brother.

Cal gave him a tight smile. Ethan might be happy, but the procedure wasn't over yet. "Okay, let's have 0.2mg of midazolam, slow IV for continued sedation." Was a longer-acting neuromuscular blocker necessary? Did they need to maintain control of patient respiratory effort? Cal tried to think and decided the answer to both questions was yes. "0.1mg vecuronium over 30 seconds and IV morphine for pain relief."

* * *

Cal sat in the staff room with his head in his hands.

"You did well, Cal," said Ethan. "You really did do well. You performed a successful RSI. The problems you encountered are typical of that procedure; they're no reflection on you as a doctor. Even Mrs Beauchamp said you did well."

"That's part of the problem," said Cal. "Mrs Beauchamp would only ever say something went well if she meant the opposite or if the doctor really needed the encouragement."

"You really needed the encouragement," said Ethan. "But not because you're a bad doctor. You're a great doctor, but all doctors go through stages where, for whatever reason, they don't believe in themselves. But that doesn't mean you're not a great doctor anymore and you will get through this."

"I said we should administer atropine," said Cal.

"You considered it as an option," said Ethan. "As every doctor should."

"And I couldn't remember if the patient was hyperkaelaemic."

"So you asked," said Ethan. "That was the right thing to do."

"But I should have known," said Cal. "You knew. Why didn't I?"

"You couldn't see the monitor or the test results," said Ethan. "I was standing in the way."

"But I should have remembered," sighed Cal. "I couldn't even remember if the cervical spine had been cleared. I didn't notice she was wearing a head restraint."

Ethan stroked Cal's arm. "It's difficult to take everything in sometimes. There are so many different things to think about. You do have to go through things in your head. Sometimes everything does get confused and you need a moment to sort it out."

"I didn't ask you to apply cricoid pressure," said Cal. "I couldn't visualise the larynx. I put the tube in too far."

"Cal, you didn't need to ask me," said Ethan. "And it was my fault you couldn't visualise the larynx: I was applying too much pressure. It's also very easy to push the tube in too far. That's why we're trained in how to recognise it: because it's so easily-done."

"I nearly told you to relax the pressure before I'd inflated the cuff."

"But you didn't do it," said Ethan. "Cal, these are the kinds of problems that occur all the time. All that matters is how deal with them – and you dealt with them well. There's always a danger that something like that could throw you, but you didn't let it. You did really well, Cal. You've come back to work following a severe blow to your self-esteem. Not to mention all the memories you've been coping with. And you took the lead in a RSI."

Cal said nothing.

"Cal, listen to me. You did brilliantly," said Ethan. "I was never expecting you to do all that on your first day back."

"Sounds like your expectations were as low as mine then," said Cal sadly.

"No." Ethan put his arm around Cal. "No, I didn't mean that."

"That's what it sounded like, Ethan." Cal's voice shook.

"Then I'm sorry," said Ethan. "I always knew you were capable and I never doubted that. But I wouldn't expect anyone to do that on their first day back after dealing with what you've had to deal with."

Cal shook his head sadly, his eyes filling with tears. "But what did I deal with, Ethan? Nothing. Just one encounter. One insult. And I completely fall apart and can't even do my job."

Ethan put his hands on Cal's shoulders, turning him to face him. "It wasn't just the one encounter you were dealing with, Cal. It was everything. Admitting the truth. Facing it. But you can do your job, Cal. You just did it. I thought you were brilliant and I'm so proud of you."

"For performing a technique I've performed a hundred times?" said Cal, his throat clogged with emotion..

"No. For controlling your emotions and insecurities," said Ethan. "That can be harder than saving a life."

"No." Cal desperately tried to hold back his tears. "Dad's right. I'm nothing. I'm worthless. I'm a complete waste of space."

"No, you're not," said Ethan. "You're a brilliant doctor and you did really well, but it can be emotional doing a procedure like that. Would you like me to take you home? Maybe you've had enough for today."

"No!" Cal pulled away from him and stood up. "I can do this! I can! I can do my job." He walked towards the door and stopped. His hands were shaking. His whole body was shaking. He lifted them to his face with a scream of frustration. "What's wrong with me, Ethan?"

Ethan was already at his side. "Nothing's wrong with you, Cal. Nothing. I promise." He enfolded Cal in his arms. "You're great and you did well today."

"Then why can't I do anything?" sobbed Cal.

"You can and you did," said Ethan. "You just can't see it at the moment. I know you probably won't believe me, but I'm going to keep saying it until you do."


	12. Chapter 12

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Cal really needs Ethan's reassurance at the moment. I think he's needed it a few times on Casualty as well, but Ethan doesn't always provide it.

 **InfinityAndOne** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you think Cal did well with the RSI. It's very true about only seeing the negatives when you feel low - sometimes you can learn from the negatives, but often all they do is drag you down further. I'm really happy you like the way Ethan is looking after Cal too.

 **bronny9** , that's a really interesting point about the difference between Cal as a child and Cal now. The main difference is that he now has someone to look after him. I'll take note of your ideas of how Cal and Ethan might react when John returns. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , RSI can also mean repetitive strain injury, so I had to be very specific when checking things on google! I'd like to say this was a turning point for Cal, but the story isn't close to being finished yet... thank you for your review.

 **westlife4ever80** , thank you for your review. Cal is very shaken up and he's kind of dealing with a lot of stuff he's been trying to block out too. But he is a fantastic doctor (if I haven't made him make any glaring errors!) and I hope he'll realise that eventually.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for the message you sent on wattpad about this story. I'm really glad you're enjoying the story so far.

* * *

Ethan smiled and put his hand on Cal's shoulder as they exited the cubicle. "I thought you did really well in there."

He looked hopefully at Cal, but his brother just sighed. "The fact you even need to say that shows I didn't."

It was Cal's third day back at work and first in cubicles and he still looked as terrified as he had when they'd walked in together a few days ago. Not that anyone else would realise he was terrified – except people like Connie and Charlie, who knew everything – but Ethan could see it. He longed to find a way of making Cal feel better. But he knew that would take time. A lot of time.

But Ethan was prepared to put in every second. He would do anything to help the big brother who'd protected him so well, Ethan had had no idea he might have needed protection.

"Cal, I'm telling you you did well because your confidence is low," said Ethan gently. "Not because your ability is low. You've always been a good doctor and that hasn't changed. I'm only trying to help you believe the things that are true."

Cal looked at him sadly.

"I know it's going to take time," said Ethan sympathetically. "I can't just tell you you're a great person and expect you to believe it – though that's not going to stop me from saying it. But I'm going to do everything I can to help you, Cal. I owe it to you after the way I've treated you, but I also want to do it. You're my brother and I love you and I want you to be happy."

"I'm going to the loo," was all Cal said.

"Okay. I'll wait for you here," said Ethan. "Then we can either go for a break or get back to work."

It was early for a break, but Connie had said they should take as many breaks as they needed. She was being very supportive. After supervising Cal with the RSI on Cal's first day back, she'd let Ethan take over the supervision, though Ethan knew she'd kept a close eye on them. Ethan felt the rest of the day had gone really well. Yesterday had been very good as well: Cal had intubated another patient, though it hadn't been an RSI, and he'd been much less hesitant, though it helped that there had been fewer problems. Ethan was really proud of him, but Cal could only see what had gone wrong.

Ethan watched Cal walk away from him, looking at the slump in his shoulders; the forward-drop of his head; his slow, uncertain walk. Jacob greeted Cal as he passed, but if Cal replied, it wasn't audible to Ethan.

"What's up with your brother?" asked Jacob when he saw Ethan.

"Cal has very serious problems at the moment," explained Ethan. "He's working well, but he can be a bit distracted between patients."

"We've all got problems," said Jacob and walked off.

 _Of course we do_ , Ethan wanted to say as Jacob walked away. _But we don't all have problems like Cal and if you had any idea what he was going through; what he's been going through for his whole life, you wouldn't even think of speaking about my brother like that._

Ethan knew he couldn't have said that. Cal didn't want everyone to know and Ethan could only respect that, but he couldn't help but wish there were a few others who knew the full story. Ethan was determined work his hardest to do everything he could to support Cal and nothing would ever make him stop, but he sometimes felt as though he needed someone to talk to; someone to give him support and reassure him he was doing the right thing and that Cal would feel better in time.

He couldn't go to Connie, Dylan or Noel. Connie was too scary; Dylan would feel uncomfortable with an outpouring of emotion from Ethan; and Noel only knew the basics.

So Ethan was alone.

It was so, so hard and the worst of it was that however difficult Ethan found it, it was so much more difficult for Cal. Every time Ethan felt as though it was all too much for him, he thought of how Cal must be feeling the exact same thing, only magnified.

 _Oh, Cal. Please get through this. Please don't let him beat you._

Ethan felt a hand touch his arm and he cried out, turning to face a guilty-looking Honey.

"Ethan, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you, but I said your name twice and you didn't hear and I didn't think you was the type to ignore me. Are you okay?"

Ethan didn't know what to say. He wasn't okay, but he ought to be.

"What's up?" asked Honey, stroking his arm. "Is it Cal?"

Ethan nodded.

"I've noticed he's not been like, himself," said Honey. "But I've seen the way you look after him too and I think that's just like, amazing. I wish you were my brother." She hesitated. "Well, I would if… if you wasn't so…" She stopped again. "I know it's not my business, Ethan, but if you want to talk, I'm always here."

To Ethan's horror, his eyes filled with tears. He blinked, hoping his glasses would hide it, but Honey was looking at him too intently for that.

Honey stared at him for a moment, looking close to tears herself, then she wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly.

"I'm so sorry," whispered Ethan as he tried to stop his tears from falling.

"It's okay," said Honey. "Cal's your brother. If anything's going on with him, it's going to affect you too. And even if it doesn't like, directly, you care about him, don't you?"

"Yes, I do," said Ethan, unable to stop his voice from trembling. "And I want to help him more than anything, but it's not working. I know that's not necessarily because I'm doing anything wrong. Some things just take time. But it's so hard, Honey."

"I know," said Honey. "But you're doing such a good job. Seriously, Ethan. Everyone's talking about it. Oh, not in a bad way. Just in like, a really admiring way. And they admire Cal too because it's obviously really tough for him, but he's still here; still doing his job. Everyone thinks you're both amazing. But you know, you haven't got to deal with this alone, Ethan."

Ethan felt two tears sliding down his cheeks and wished he didn't have to do it alone. But it wasn't about what he wanted or needed. It was all about Cal.

"Everyone's here for you," said Honey. "You haven't even got to tell us nothing if you don't want to. But anytime you want a hug, Ethan, all you've got to do is come and find me and say: 'Honey, I want a hug'. And then I'll give you a hug." She thought for a moment. "And Cal can have a hug too if he wants one, as long as he's careful where he puts his hands."

"Thank you," said Ethan. He had to admit the hug she was giving him now was comforting, though he wasn't quite so keen on the idea of Honey hugging Cal.

"It's okay to find this hard, you know," said Honey. "It's awful watching someone you love going through whatever Cal's going through. I don't know what it is – not even Robyn knows and she knows everything – but we've all noticed the difference in him. And the difference in you too."

"The difference in me?" said Ethan.

"Yeah: you're much more patient with Cal than you used to be," said Honey. "You listen to what he says and that and you don't assume he's trying to get out of doing something. Everything really likes seeing you two getting on. Even Robyn and Louise would rather have brotherly love than brotherly drama. But we're also really worried about both of you and we're here if you need anything."

"Thank you," said Ethan as he fought back more tears. "Thank you, Honey. That really means a lot."

"Anytime," said Honey. "I do mean it, Ethan. Any hour of the day or night."

"Thank you."

He felt Honey stroking his hair. "It's okay, Ethan. It's okay."

Ethan stayed in her arms for a bit longer. He couldn't remember the last time someone had comforted him. It felt so good to have her support. It felt so good to be in her arms. But he couldn't think about that now.

He let go of her and took his glasses off so he could wipe his eyes. "I'm sorry. I… I've got something in my eye."

"Everyone gets things in their eyes sometimes," said Honey. "Especially when they're worried about their family."

Ethan smiled put his glasses back on. "Do I look okay? I mean, um…"

"You look great," said Honey softly. "And your eyes don't look red or nothing."

Ethan gazed at her.

Honey gazed back. "Ethan…"

Ethan remembered that was his name. "Yes, Honey?"

"Did you maybe want to go out for a drink or something?"

Ethan's heart leapt. Then it plummeted. "I wish I could, Honey, but Cal really needs me at the moment. I'm sorry."

Honey actually looked disappointed, but she smiled. "Yeah. I shouldn't have asked really. It's not really a good time for you."

"But I'm glad you-" began Ethan, but he stopped as he saw Cal walking towards them. He stopped when he saw Ethan and Honey and moved to the side of the corridor, clearly not wanting to interrupt. It broke Ethan's heart to see his brother hunched against the wall as though he wanted to make himself as small as possible, his eyes on the floor. "Sorry, Honey. I need to get back to work. But thanks so much for the chat."

"No problem, Ethan. And any time either of you need a coffee, it's on the house."

"Thank you, Honey. For everything," said Ethan. He walked over to Cal and gave him a hug. "Hey."

"I didn't mean to interrupt you," said Cal.

"That's kind of you, but Honey needed to get back to work," said Ethan. "We were just talking. She was saying she's here if we need a chat or a cup of coffee."

Cal looked worried. "You didn't…"

"I didn't tell her anything," said Ethan reassuringly. "But she has noticed I've stopped assuming the worst every time you breathe too loudly and she's guessed something's happened."

Cal sighed. "So she knows how stupid and weak I am too."

"No, she doesn't think you're stupid and weak!" said Ethan. "She says everyone really admires you for doing your job so well when something's obviously happened to you. But no-one has any idea what it is. I haven't said anything and neither has Mrs Beauchamp, of course. Everyone thinks you're great, Cal. And so do I. I'm so proud of you."


	13. Chapter 13

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I don't think Ethan would say those words if he didn't mean them either - he's very kind but also very honest, particularly with Cal. It's getting Cal to believe it that's the difficulty! I don't like Jacob either so he was the obvious choice for the idiot role! Ethan really does need support. Thank you for your review.

 **bronny9** , you could be right about Cal needing to cry properly in his flat with Ethan there to hold him. Cal doesn't believe he deserves Ethan's support, which might make it difficult for him to let go completely, but we know what he needs! I'm glad you're still enjoying this story. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I think Honey is quite a good person to have around when you're sad. She's good at looking on the bright side, but she's usually really sweet and sensitive about it. Ethan used to have taste! I'm glad you can see how hard Cal is trying to overcome his problems. If only he could see what we see. Thank you for your review.

 **Guest** , thank you for your review. I'm so glad you've enjoyed reading this story. He does need to go home and have a cuddle with Ethan! I'd be happy to do that anytime. I can't make any promises about Cal putting his thumb in his mouth - unless the scene was exactly right for it, it might be a bit unconvincing, but I'll see what I can do.

* * *

The patient clutched at his chest, his breathing shallow. A moment later, he retched: Lofty was there instantly with a bowl.

Cal heard the patient's heartrate speed up. The patient's wife had called for an ambulance after he's suffered palpitations and dizziness and he'd fainted whilst they were waiting for the ambulance. There were a lot of things that could be wrong and Cal was trying not to panic about how they were going to narrow it down – he'd done this before, after all, and he had Ethan with him – but he was so afraid he wouldn't be able to handle this.

The sound of the heartbeat changed to a long, flat note.

"He's arrested!" said Ethan, moving to the defibrillator. "Insert a central line for adrenaline, please, Lofty: 1 mg every fifteen minutes. Cal, please begin compressions."

"I…" Cal looked at Ethan in a panic.

Robyn could have moved Cal aside and given the compressions himself, but instead, she spoke gently to Cal. "You can do this, Cal. I know you can."

Cal was upset she'd noticed there was something wrong, but he tried not to think about it. He interlaced his fingers and started to give compressions.

"That's good, Cal," said Ethan. "Keep going."

Cal realised he'd lost count and felt a moment's panic, but then Ethan said: "Charging!" and Cal stopped panicking and went back to hating himself.

"Clear!" said Ethan.

Cal stopped compressions but kept his hands where they were.

"Cal?" said Ethan softly, indicating Cal's hands.

Robyn gently pulled Cal away from the patient.

"Shocking!" said Ethan.

Cal couldn't help thinking that was an accurate assessment of his own performance, as well as an announcement of what Ethan was going to do. How could he have forgotten to clear?

 _Because you're useless, Cal. Because you shouldn't be doing this job. You're lucky Ethan is so kind. He doesn't have to do any of this, you know. It's probably much better for his career and his patients if he doesn't. But he's your brother and that means something to him, even if you're not capable of those feelings yourself._

"Pulse check, Cal?" said Ethan. His voice was tense but not snappy.

And now I've forgotten that too… Cal placed his finger against the patient's neck. He shook his head.

"Okay: continue with compressions, please," said Ethan. "You're doing fine, Cal."

After had done the correct number of compressions – he was careful to count, though he was sure Ethan was counting too – Ethan shocked the patient again.

"We've got a pulse!" said Cal in relief.

Ethan smiled at him. "Well done."

"Yeah: we all did well," said Lofty with a smile for Cal. Cal knew Lofty wasn't brushing aside his achievements but including him as an equal part of a team who'd done well. Cal managed an appreciative smile in return. He was grateful for all the support he was given and he knew he needed it as he wasn't a good doctor, but he knew he didn't really deserve to be treated as an equal.

Ethan had already started assessing the patient's airway and breathing. Cal knew what he was considering: intubation and ventilation. He was surprised this knowledge had come to his slow brain so quickly.

"Cal, should we intubate?" asked Ethan, his voice very calm.

"Me?" said Cal blankly, before continuing. "Okay, he's maintaining his airway, though obviously we'll keep monitoring, so I would say hold off intubation for a few minutes, see if he regains consciousness. I'd like continuous 3-lead ECG monitoring and echocardiogram, an arterial line to monitor blood pressure, and he needs fluids, please."

Ethan had looked doubtful about Cal's decision not to intubate, but he was smiling reassuringly as Cal gave instructions to Lofty and Robyn. Cal knew Ethan was trying to tell him he was doing really well. Cal didn't know about 'really well' – but he'd made a decision and no-one had argued, so maybe, just maybe, he wasn't going to mess this up.

Lofty was about to insert an arterial line when the patient arrested again. Cal started compressions without being prompted by Ethan, who moved back to the defibrillator. Robyn gave the patient oxygen while Lofty checked the central line and monitor.

"Charging!" said Ethan.

"Oxygen away," said Robyn.

"Clear… shocking!"

This time, Cal remembered to clear.

"No," said Robyn as she checked for a pulse.

Ethan gave another shock, then another, but it wasn't working. They continued for a while, but at last, Ethan shook his head sadly and met Cal's eyes. "I'm going to have to call this."

Cal saw the sadness in Ethan's eyes and knew he hated doing this – every doctor did – but he shook his head. "No. We'll keep trying." He couldn't lost this patient.

"I'm sorry, Cal, but I really don't think there's anything more we can do," said Ethan. "We've got to let him go."

Cal felt his eyes filling with tears.

"I'm really sorry," said Ethan. Quietly, he announced the time of death. "I'll inform the relatives. Cal, could you stay and supervise Robyn and Lofty, please? I'll be back as soon as I can."

Cal knew Robyn and Lofty didn't need supervising. Ethan wanted Robyn and Lofty to keep an eye on Cal. Because he was useless and he'd killed a patient

Robyn came over and gave him a hug. "I know it's hard, Cal. It's really sad."

"For Ethan too," added Lofty gently. "He'll need your support later. He'll be so glad he's got you."

Cal tried to smile. He knew Lofty was trying to say he and Ethan were equals; that Ethan would need his support as much as he needed Ethan's and that he was capable of looking after his brother. Maybe Lofty even believed what he was saying.

But Cal knew it wasn't true.

* * *

Ethan fought back his tears as he held Cal tightly in his arms. He'd done everything he could for the relatives, despite his burning need to go back to his brother, and when he had finally returned to Resus, he'd been relieved that while Cal, Robyn and Lofty were clearly unhappy, they were all calm.

But it hadn't lasted. Robyn and Lofty had decided to go out for some air, presumably to give the brothers some privacy, and Ethan and Cal had gone to the staff room. Cal had broken down just as Ethan had switched the kettle on; he'd abandoned the drinks at once and returned to his brother's side.

"I know it's sad, Cal," said Ethan. "It's very sad – it's heartbreaking – but we did everything we had to do and you did really well. I'm so proud of you."

"But it's my fault!" cried Cal.

Ethan gasped, then gathered Cal closer. "Of course it's not your fault, Cal! Not at all. You did really well. The patient was very ill. There was nothing any of us could have done."

"But I said not to intubate!" said Cal between heavy sobs. "And that was wrong. You knew it was wrong."

"It wasn't wrong. It's always a difficult decision," said Ethan. "Intubation is so invasive and the patient was supporting his own airway. He could have woken up at any moment to find us putting a tube down his throat: it would have been horrible. There was certainly an argument in favour of waiting a few minutes before intubating."

"But if you'd been there on your own, you would have intubated, wouldn't you?" wept Cal.

Ethan considered. "I'm really not sure if I would have done or not. But looking at the current situation, if I was sure in my own mind that intubation was the only option, I'd probably have done it regardless of what you said – or at least explained my point of view."

"But you thought it was the right thing to do!" wailed Cal. "And you're right. You're always right. I'm always wrong."

Ethan's voice caught. "No, Cal. That's not true at all. We both have times when we're right and times when we're wrong and if I am slightly more likely to be right than you, that's only because I've been a registrar for slightly longer and I've had more experience of the responsibilities that come with it. But really, we're so close in ability. You're better than me in some ways. I don't mean this disrespectfully, but it's been so much easier for me than for you. I had so much more support than you did; I didn't have to deal with what you did as a child; I think I'm more suited to the written exam format than you are – which is in no way an indication of intelligence. But here you are: you're in the same job as me, only very slightly junior to me if at all, and you did it all yourself. That's an incredible achievement, you know. Not many people could have done it. I'm not sure I could have done it in your position. But you did and I'm so proud."

"But if we'd intubated, the patient would have survived," Cal said as though he hadn't even heard what Ethan had said.

"We don't know that," said Ethan. "Intubated patients can still arrest – and think about it, Cal. The time in between the two arrests was so short. I'm not sure we'd have completed intubation in that time and at that point, resuscitation would take precedence. And there have been recent studies – though not terribly convincing ones, I have to admit – that suggest intubation is harmful for the patient and can itself be a cause of death. Even if we had decided to intubate, there are so many reasons why the outcome could have been exactly the same. You made a call – a call a lot of doctors would have made. Believe me, if it was the wrong call, I would have said something."

"Please say something next time," said Cal. "Don't just go along with what I say. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not going to get it right. I'm useless, Ethan. I couldn't even keep a patient alive."

Ethan rubbed his back. "Cal, we can't always keep the patients alive. You know that."

"But I feel like I should have done. I just don't think I can do this, Ethan." Cal started to cry again. "Dad's right. I'm a terrible doctor. I should just quit before I cause any more damage."


	14. Chapter 14

I'm sorry I haven't updated this for months. Here's a brief recap of what's happened so far.

The Story So Far: _Cal became very distressed when his father was brought in as a patient and confesses to Ethan that while their father loved and was proud of Ethan, he physically and mentally abused Cal throughout his childhood. Ethan is supporting Cal, but his brief reunion with his father is causing Cal to doubt his ability and after losing a patient, he's come to the conclusion he'll never be a good doctor and he should quit._

 **westlife4ever80** , it must be very hard for any doctor to lose a patient, even for someone who's completely confident in their ability and firmly believes they did all they could. But Cal has so little confidence in himself... Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen** **Fan** , thank you for your review. It was actually quite heartbreaking for me too, reading back and finding out how much I'd made Cal suffer! But at least he's still alive.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review. I'm sure a nice cuddle with Ethan would help Cal - I think that's something we'd all like to see. It might take a while, but I'm sure Ethan will do everything he can.

 **Tanith** **Panic** , I'm glad you liked the addition of Lofty! I'm sure I put him in the story for you. I think even in the past, Cal was right sometimes and Ethan was wrong sometimes, though it didn't happen very often. Thank you for your review.

 **bronwen100** , thank you for your pm. I'm really glad you're enjoying this story and I hope I'll finish it now I'm writing Casualty stories again, but who knows when the inspiration will disappear?

* * *

Ethan stared at Cal in horror. "No, Cal! You mustn't quit. You're a great doctor and you did really well. You did nothing wrong. If anyone needs to take responsibility for this, it's me. I was the lead doctor; I made the decision to call it."

Cal shook his head sadly. He loved his little brother for wanting to do everything he could to make him feel better, but he knew he didn't deserve it and it obviously didn't change anything. He'd messed up again. Just like he always did.

"Oh, Cal…" Ethan sounded like he might cry too. He wrapped his arms tightly around Cal. "Come on. Come here. I've got you. I promise you, you didn't do anything wrong."

Cal could feel the tears and sobs waiting to pour out of him in a flood, but he knew he couldn't let it happen now. He couldn't stop Ethan from doing his job. He'd done so much to harm Ethan's career already. "No, Ethan. I'm fine. Let's go back to work."

Ethan didn't let go of him. "You really think I'd let you go back to work?"

Ethan's words seemed to penetrate Cal's chest. He gasped at the shock, then the pain began. The terrible pain of guilt: the proof that he wasn't good enough to be here with Ethan. He never had been.

Cal had done so badly, Ethan didn't want him to work with him anymore.

"Cal?" Ethan sounded anxious. "Cal, what is it?"

Cal wasn't sure why he was asking. Ethan must know what he'd said. Maybe Ethan thought that what he was saying was so much a fact, it was stupid for Cal even to think about objecting.

Yes. That must be it.

"You're right, Ethan," he said, and although his voice was calm, the rest of him felt a long way away from the words he was saying. "You need to go back to work, but I'll stay here and rest for a while."

The relief on Ethan's face only twisted the knife further. "I think resting sounds like a good idea. But there's no need for me to go back to work just yet. I can stay with you for a while."

"Ethan, I think you do need to go back to work and to be honest… well, I could do with a bit of time on my own," said Cal.

Ethan flinched. "Yes. Yes, of course. I… I'll go back to work now. It's fine." He smiled a bit unconvincingly and patted Cal's arm. "Call me if you do need me, okay?"

 _I've hurt him,_ Cal realised as he watched Ethan go. _I hurt my little brother. He was trying to help me and I pushed him away._

* * *

Cal waited till he was sure Ethan wasn't coming back. He went to his locker and took out his bag, then he went to the door of the staff room and peered out cautiously. He could see a few figures in scrubs, but he knew none of them was Ethan.

Cal knew he'd be less likely to attract attention if he got changed, but it was too much effort. He just wanted to get out of there. He walked out of the staff room and kept walking, his eyes fixed ahead of him.

No-one called out to him. No-one seemed to notice him go.

It only proved what Cal already knew. They didn't want him there and they were glad he'd finally realised how useless he was and left.

* * *

"Dr Hardy?" said Robyn hesitantly. "Ethan?"

Ethan turned to face her, his mind still partly on Cal. "Yes, Robyn?"

"Is there anything you'd like us to do?" asked Robyn. Her voice was gentle, but she was clearly concerned. "Would you like me to take some bloods? Get a line in?"

Ethan blinked at her, then he looked at the patient. Penetrating chest injury above the umbilicus. Suspected injuries to the lungs, heart and great vessels. "Okay, let's put a line in and get a chest x-ray, please. We'll put her on high-flow oxygen and commence fluid resuscitation."

He began his examination. Respiratory distress. Distension of the veins in the neck. No tracheal deviation. He used his stethoscope. No decreased chest expansion on either side. No hyper-resonant percussion note. A tension pneumothorax was unlikely; a simple pneumothorax was possible, but the distended neck veins were a more immediate concern.

Hypotension. Tachycardia. Ethan looked at the systolic blood pressure: pulsus paradoxus on inspiration. Quiet heart sounds.

"Robyn, can I get a focused ultrasound, please? And can you get-" Ethan stopped. The low blood pressure, fast but quiet heartrate and the marked decrease in systolic blood pressure when the patient breathed in was indicative of cardiac tamponade. Ethan had never performed a pericardiocentesis. He was more than willing to perform one now, but he needed to be supervised by a doctor who had performed it.

Connie, Zoe or Dylan would all have performed one, but so had Cal. Ethan wasted valuable seconds as he wondered if asking for Cal would be a boost to his brother's confidence or if it would make him go to pieces.

"Ethan!" said Robyn urgently.

Ethan looked at the monitor. Jugular venous pressure was elevated. Another classic sign of a cardiac tamponade. "Prep for a thoracotomy, please, and can someone find me a consultant or Cal?" _but please not Cal?_ He added silently and hated himself for it.

Ethan knew Cal could do this. If he couldn't, Ethan wouldn't be here. But his self-esteem was so low and if it went wrong, he would only torture himself further. The fact he'd saved Ethan's life might actually make him feel worse because he might feel it was down to luck alone that his brother had survived.

* * *

"Ethan, you needed a consultant?" asked Zoe.

Ethan was so relieved, he came close to hugging her. "The patient has a cardiac tamponade, Zoe, and I've never performed a pericardiocentesis."

"Are you happy to do this?" asked Zoe.

Ethan nodded.

"Then I'll supervise you," said Zoe. She squeezed Ethan's arm. "You'll be fine. I'll be right here."

* * *

"Well done, Ethan," said Zoe. "Very good work."

"Thank you," said Ethan, but he felt empty and guilty. He wished Cal could have been here to supervise him and share the moment with him.

Zoe's smile faded slightly. She put her hand on Ethan's arm and rubbed it gently. "It does take a lot out of you sometimes, doesn't it?"

"Yes," whispered Ethan, thinking it was probably easier to agree, but he'd never been very good at fooling anyone.

"Come on. Let's go and have a chat," said Zoe, taking his arm and leading him out of Resus.

Ethan didn't argue. He tended not to argue with the consultants and he thought Zoe would probably take him to the staff room, which was where he wanted to be anyway. He had to be with Cal. "Um, Dr Hanna…"

"Ethan, I told you. It's Zoe."

"Um, Zoe. I don't suppose… can we tell Cal _you_ performed the pericardiocentesis?"

Zoe stared at him for a moment, then said simply: "I think we need to go to my office."

"But Cal-" Ethan remembered his rule of not arguing with the consultants and blushed. "I'm sorry, Dr- Zoe."

"Ethan, you have nothing to apologise for," said Zoe. "But I'm concerned about you. Really concerned." She hurried him along to her office and ushered him inside. "Okay. Sit down." Zoe sat on a chair beside Ethan. "Okay, the first thing I needed to ask you – I didn't ask before as obviously our patient was obviously my main concern – where's Cal?"

"In the staff room," said Ethan, his mood plummeting still further. "We lost a patient. Cal took it very hard. I wanted to stay with him, but he said I should go back to work. And I'm sorry – I'm really sorry – but I think I should get back to him soon."

"I won't keep you long," promised Zoe. "But I need to know, Ethan. Why do you want me to lie to Cal about who did the pericardiocentesis?"

"Because if he doesn't know I've done one, then he's the only one of us who has," said Ethan. "It might give him a bit of a confidence boost to know he saved my life, but I had to ask you to do it for me."

"It might, but we can't lie to him!" said Zoe. "I have been very concerned about Cal lately and I do want to help him, but I'm not prepared to lie to him and quite frankly, I'm shocked you are."

Ethan looked down at his lap.

"Ethan, I know you want to help him," said Zoe, more gently. "We all do. But I don't think lying to him is the answer. We need him to believe all the positive things he's saying to us. He has enough trouble with that already and if he finds out we've lied about something, it'll be even more difficult for him to believe us. Even if we did lie to Cal, we can't lie in the medical notes and that's something Cal could check or something he might accidentally see."

Ethan dropped his face into his hands. He knew Zoe was right. Of course she was right.

He felt Zoe stroking his arm. "I know it's hard, Ethan. It's horrible seeing someone you love suffering so much. But you're doing really well and if you need support, we're here for you as well as for Cal. You don't have to do this all on your own."

Ethan tried not to cry. He had no reason to cry. His dad had loved _him_. "I just don't want to make him feel worse."

"I know you don't," said Zoe. "And I'm sure you help him a lot."

Ethan wished he could be even half as sure.

"Tell you what," said Zoe. "Why don't you stay in here for a bit, and I'll go and get you a coffee and send Max to go and sit with Cal? He's really worried about him and he'll be happy to help."

"No, I should do it," said Ethan. He took off his glasses and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Thank you for the suggestion, Zoe. And for being so kind. But Cal really needs me and I need to go and find him."


	15. Chapter 15

**Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Ethan needed supervision as it was the first time he'd performed the procedure, but I think Zoe was a good person to keep him focused without intimidating him. Ethan is trying to be strong, but as you say, Cal's problems are affecting Ethan too.

 **InfinityAndOne** , I agree that running away isn't the best thing Cal can do now - he'll only cause more worry for Ethan and he won't make himself feel any better. Unfortunately, I couldn't see Cal doing anything else in the circumstances! But Ethan needs to find him quickly. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , Cal and Ethan had such a special and unique relationship. Cal often betrayed and took advantage of Ethan, but he always loved him. And while Ethan was often angry, he would never betray Cal and was always there for him. And as you said, Ethan was always really kind. Thank you for your review.

 **bronny9** , thank you for your review. I'm sorry for abandoning your story for so long, but I'm glad you're happy with how it's continuing. Cal's confidence is so low at the moment, he can't believe Ethan cares about him. Cal has a good heart and loves Ethan, but he knows he hasn't always been a good brother.

* * *

He was gone.

Ethan knew this didn't necessarily mean he'd gone far. All he could be sure of was that Cal wasn't in the staff room. But that didn't mean he'd left the hospital. He might have gone back to work; he might be in another doctor's office; he might simply have gone to the loo.

But Ethan knew his brother. _When something goes wrong, Cal runs. He hides. And things have never been more wrong than they are now._

Ethan rushed around the hospital in search of his brother. At first, he was careful to cause as little disturbance as possible, but as his panic increased, he tore aside every closed cubicle curtain, hardly even embarrassed when he caught a woman changing into a hospital gown, though he did manage to apologise and close the curtain again. He even tried barging into Connie's office when she failed to respond to his knocks, but the door was locked.

Ethan cast his panicked gaze around the hospital and fresh hope rose inside him when he found himself outside Honey's shop. He dashed inside, ignoring the queue other than checking it didn't contain his brother, and spoke urgently to Honey. "Have you seen Caleb?"

"Not since I saw you together," said Honey, clearly concerned.

"He's disappeared!" said Ethan, not caring that the other customers were staring at him. "I left him in the staff room and went back to work and now he's gone! It's all my fault, Honey. I never should have left him alone."

"Oh, Ethan," said Honey sadly. She turned to the other customers. "I'm so sorry, but I'm going to have to close the shop. There is a vending machine. The coffee isn't as nice as what I make, but this is an emergency." She came out from behind the counter and put her arm around Ethan. "It's okay, Ethan. We'll find him."

"But he could be anywhere!" said Ethan.

"No. I think he'd go somewhere where he feels safe," said Honey. "Have you called him?"

Ethan trembled and wondered why he hadn't thought of that himself. "I'll call him now."

"Ethan, sit down before you fall down," advised Honey, still holding him tightly.

Ethan got his phone out and then allowed his legs to give way. He sat awkwardly on the floor of the shop with Honey's arm around him and felt so grateful she'd come back into his life. Even if they could never be more than friends, he didn't think he could have managed without her. He dialled Cal with renewed hope, but his phone was switched out. Ethan's hand, still holding the phone, flopped into his lap. "No answer."

"House phone?" suggested Honey. He could tell she was worried too, but she wasn't giving up yet.

Ethan tried, but there was still no answer. "I'd better call the police."

"Check he's not at home first," said Honey. "Check the pub too. Check all the places Cal likes going to."

Ethan looked at her blankly. "I can't walk up to every woman I see and ask if she's got my brother in her bed."

Honey's eyes sparkled and she leaned forward to plant a kiss on Ethan's cheek. "Ethan, you're so sweet. You don't need to do that. Just go to the pub then go home, then maybe try some of the other pubs." She looked at Ethan for a moment then asked, almost shyly: "Would you like me to go with you?"

"Yes, I mean no, I mean thank you so much, Honey, but I couldn't possibly take you away from your work," said Ethan.

"I'm due a break anyway," said Honey. "I'll close up properly, then we'll check the pub."

* * *

Cal wasn't in the pub. The barman hadn't seen him – and he knew Cal very well by sight. He'd watched him being carried out by Lofty, Max and Iain enough times.

Ethan still thought they should call the police, but Honey said they'd better go back to the flat and see if he was there. They were on their way to Ethan's car when Lily came out of the ED.

"Dr Hardy!" she said, a most unLilylike smile on her face.

"I'm sorry, Lily, but I've really got to go," said Ethan.

Lily came closer. "I have gonorrhoea."

Honey gasped and for some reason she took a step away from Ethan.

"Have you? I'm sorry to hear that, Lily," said Ethan distractedly. "I'm afraid I'm rather busy just now, but why don't you go and find Dr Hanna? You'll feel more comfortable with a female doctor and I'm sure she won't judge you."

"No, Ethan, I mean that my _patient_ has gonorrhoea," said Lily. "I thought it would be a good experience for a young, ambitious doctor to assist with her treatment."

Ethan did his best to concentrate on Lily. "That's very thoughtful of you, Lily, but she probably wouldn't feel comfortable with a male doctor and in any case, I can't work at the moment. Cal has disappeared and I'm very concerned about him."

Lily's eyes opened wide and she reached out to stroke Ethan's arm, making him squirm slightly. "I am so sorry, Ethan. Of course you must think of your brother now. Would you like me to come with you?"

"Actually-" began Ethan, turning to Honey, but she interrupted him.

"That's a very good idea, Lily. Cal needs doctors searching for him, not some dumb tea lady. I'm going back to the shop." She turned and hurried away.

Ethan stared after her. "Honey, you're not a dumb tea lady!" He turned to Lily in bewilderment. "Why would she think that?"

"Perhaps because she is?" suggested Lily.

"No. No, she's not!" said Ethan. "She's not… intellectual, but her social and emotional intelligence are very high."

Lily looked unconvinced, but she dropped the subject of Honey. "Come on, Ethan. We must go and look for Cal." She touched Ethan's arm and spoke intently. "Do not worry. You have my full support and you always will."

"But what about your gonorrhoea patient?" said Ethan. "I appreciate your support very much, Lily, but with Cal and me both absent, I think the ED really needs you."

Lily's face lit up, which wasn't like Lily at all. "Do you really think so, Ethan?"

"Yes, I do think so," said Ethan, slightly surprised. There was no way the ED could function when they were three doctors down. "I'm sorry: I am very grateful for your offer, but you really are needed here - and I really need to go. Would you mind checking on Honey for me if you've got a minute, or letting Noel know she seemed upset? Thanks, Lily. For everything."

He smiled at her quickly and hurried to his car.

For a fleeting moment, Honey crossed his mind. He hoped he hadn't upset her in some way.

But Honey would have to wait. She was beautiful and sweet and kind and everything Ethan wanted, but Cal was his brother and Ethan had to find him.

* * *

Ethan was breathing hard as he sprinted up the stairs. Of all the stupid times for the lift to stop working.

He hoped Cal hadn't been smoking in there again.

Actually, on second thoughts, Ethan almost hoped he had. It would increase the chances of Cal being safely in their flat.

His lungs were aching and he had to walk up the final flight of stairs, but he didn't stop. The physical discomfort he was feeling now was nothing in comparison with what Cal must be feeling. Finally, Ethan reached their floor and hurried to the flat, unlocking the door and anxiously calling his brother's name.

There was no reply, but Cal often didn't reply. Ethan glanced into the living room and kitchen and checked the bathroom before going to Cal's bedroom and knocking on the door. There was still no answer: Ethan pushed the door open slightly.

Cal wasn't there.

Ethan went over to Cal's laptop and jiggled the mouse in the hope of finding some clue. It had gone into hibernation, but when Ethan clicked the mouse, it started humming and a website appeared on the screen.

It was an article about someone Ethan didn't think he'd heard of, but that didn't mean anything. He was probably some sportsman or other.

A sportsman had recently died in a boating accident that was being treated as a possible suicide.

* * *

Ethan knew he wasn't making much sense. How could he make sense when his brother might have killed himself?

 _It's all my fault_ , Ethan kept thinking as he went through the circumstances of Cal's disappearance again, trying focus on the policeman's questions without getting upset. He didn't want to go into details of the abuse: it was Cal's business and it was up to Cal who did and didn't know.

But they wanted to know of Cal had any reason for killing himself and Ethan had to say something.

"He has been a bit down lately. He called himself a waste of space and he feels his career has stalled. He's about to take an exam to become a consultant, but he's not expecting to pass. His self-esteem is very low at the moment."

It all took far too long, but finally, Ethan was in the police car as they headed for the lake. He'd wanted to call for an ambulance, but the police said they didn't want to do that till they knew an ambulance was needed.

Ethan tried to comfort himself with the thought that at least he was trained in emergency medical procedures, but it didn't help.

Cal might be dead by now.

* * *

All seemed quiet at the lake. The police spoke to a few people, but no-one answering Cal's description had hired a boat or taken one. The man who hired the boats knew everyone who owned their own boat and none were called Caleb Knight, but he admitted it was possible a boat might have entered the lake at another point. The lake was very large and wasn't a complete circle. There were also a number of islands so it was impossible to see the whole of the lake at the same time.

The only small note of hope for Ethan was that Cal didn't own a boat and would have had to buy or steal one in order to go out onto the lake. He clearly hadn't stolen one from the side of the lake and Ethan doubted he'd been in any state to buy one.

But he couldn't help worrying.

Ethan fought back tears as he followed the policemen around the lake, looking for signs of a boat being dragged towards and into the lake, but nothing could be found. Ethan, who was sure Cal was physically strong enough to carry a very small boat, wasn't consoled. In any case, Cal wouldn't need a boat to drown himself. He wouldn't necessarily choose to imitate the sportsman's death exactly.

When Ethan's phone rang, his chest swelled with hope that it might be Cal, but it was only Lily. He nearly rejected the call in disgust, but then the thought came to him that perhaps Lily might have news.

Perhaps Cal had been brought into the ED.


	16. Chapter 16

_I just wanted to make it clear that although Cal isn't going to have a very good time in this story and things will happen to him, he will NOT die. Cal being dead is banned from my fanfictions._

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** _,_ I think Ethan would want to treat Cal if he was brought in, or at least be by his brother's side. As I said above, you don't need to worry about Cal killing himself. That definitely won't happen. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , there's an episode around this time (Series 29) where Lily walks up to Ethan and said: "We have snakebite!" and I always wondered how she'd phrase it if the patient had had anything more... personal wrong with them! Lily doesn't always phrase things in the best possible way, as her comment about Honey also shows. Thank you for your review.

* * *

"Has he been brought in?" Ethan gasped into the phone without saying hello.

As it was Lily, she wasn't offended. "No, Ethan. I was calling to see if you'd found him yet."

Ethan was close to sinking to the ground in despair. "We're at the lake. There's no sign of him. We're going to the river now."

"Ethan, I need you to explain more clearly," said Lily. "Who is at the lake with you and why are you there?"

Ethan explained what he had found.

"Ethan, there is no reason to suppose Cal has attempted suicide simply because he read an article about it," said Lily. "And Cal did not go to the lake. There wasn't time."

"How do you know that?" asked Ethan.

"I spoke to Louise," said Lily. "She was alone on reception when I went to speak to Noel about Honey's distress. Louise told me she saw Cal leaving approximately ten minutes before you left the ED. As perhaps you did not remember due to your own distress, Cal came to work in _your_ car this morning. You know he did not take your car as it was still in the car park. No taxi was ordered from the hospital. A bus would not take him directly to your home or to the lake. Therefore it is not possible that Cal could have reached your flat - or the lake - before you did. Was the computer hibernating?"

"Yes," said Ethan rather doubtfully, before adding with more certainty: "Yes, it was."

"So Cal has not used that computer recently," said Lily. "And if he planned to use that method in the future, he would not have left the page for you to find. I don't know where he is, but it seems doubtful that he is at the bottom of the lake."

"Thank you, Lily!" gasped Ethan. "I'll let the police know. Thank you so much."

* * *

Cal unlocked the door of the flat and looked around. He didn't know what it was, but he knew instantly something was different. Someone had been here.

Perhaps they hadn't left...

Cal's heart began to pound. What if _he_ was here? There was no sign of a break-in, but what if Cal had dropped his keys and John had picked them up? Cal was so careless and stupid. He was always losing his keys. Or John might have knocked on their neighbour's door, the one who had the spare key, and said he was Cal and Ethan's dad and he wanted to surprise them. Cal had never mentioned their father to their neighbours, but if Ethan had, he would only have said good things about him.

Cal backed towards the door, but he missed it and backed into a table instead, knocking a whole load of stuff from the chair to the floor. There was no sign of John yet, but what if he was in the bathroom or something?

Cal turned and ran for the door, slamming it behind him. His legs felt all wobbly and he didn't think he could manage to run, but he knew he had to. The lift wasn't working, so he'd need to run down the stairs, but he was probably a better runner than his dad. John had never wasted his time playing football like Cal had and he was in his sixties now. He was an imposing figure, but he wouldn't be fast… would he?

"Cal?"

That was all Cal needed. He launched himself at the stairs and hurtled down them with little regard for his own safety. It wasn't as though he mattered, after all. He was nothing and it wouldn't matter if John did catch him, but he didn't want that to happen because he was afraid. So horribly, terrifyingly, mind-numbingly afraid and all he could do was run faster and faster and he only had a microsecond to realise he was falling when he heard a loud thump and felt a terrible pain.

* * *

"I'm so sorry," said Ethan. "I panicked. Cal has been through such a difficult time lately and when I found that article… I really am so sorry for wasting your time."

"It's all right, Dr Hardy. You did the right thing. It is concerning that your brother has gone missing and if he hasn't been found in the next few hours, please call us again and we'll do what we can. But if your brother hasn't spoken about suicide, there's not a lot we can do at this stage. Sometimes people do just need to cool off – and it sounds like it isn't the first time your brother's done something like this."

"Yes, of course you're right," said Ethan. "And perhaps I need to cool off tooe. Oh, I don't mean I'm angry. Not at all. I just mean I need to calm down a little bit. I do seem to have panicked for absolutely no reason." His phone rang. "Excuse me. That might be my brother." He took his phone out of his pocket, but it was only one of his neighbours. He rejected the call, feeling slightly guilty for it, but he would call back in a few minutes. He turned back to the policemen. "Thank you so much for all your help and for coming out so promptly. I'll let you get back to something more important, but I hope you know how grateful I am."

"You're welcome, Dr Hardy. And as I said, get in touch if your brother hasn't resurfaced by tonight." Ethan waited till they'd gone, then he phoned his neighbour.

"Ethan! Thanks for phoning me back. You're probably at the hospital, so maybe you know anyway, but I wanted to make sure you did."

"Make sure I know what?" said Ethan faintly – and he wished he wasn't still by the lake because he had the sudden feeling he really needed something solid to hold on to.

"I'm really sorry, Ethan, but Cal's had an accident... Ethan? Ethan, are you there?"

"Yes… Yes, I'm sorry." Ethan's voice sounded much higher than usual, as if he was a child again. "Is he.. is he…" He couldn't say the words. _Please be alive, Cal. Please._

* * *

Cal opened his eyes to see Iain looking down at him. It wasn't the first time this had happened. He felt hard floor beneath him and wondered which pub he'd passed out in this time.

Then he realised Iain wasn't laughing at him as he usually would be in this situation. Iain looked concerned.

"Cal, can you hear me?" he asked, and Cal realised he was dressed in his paramedic clothes.

"What's going on?" Cal tried to ask, but his voice wasn't quite working properly. It sounded slurred. So obviously he'd gone drinking with someone who wasn't Iain.

"You've had an accident, Cal," said Iain. "You're at your block of flats. Can you remember what happened, mate?"

Cal's confusion gave way to sudden fear. Something was wrong. Something had happened to frighten him. "My dad… he chased me."

Iain looked a bit confused. He probably had no idea why Cal would run from his dad – and that was the way Cal wanted it.

He heard another voice: Dixie's. "It's okay, Cal. Don't worry. You're safe with us. Do you know how you hurt yourself?"

"I was running down the stairs. I must have lost my footing." _Unless I was pushed… he was behind me. I'm sure he was._

"How are you feeling? Do you have any pain anywhere?"

"My head," said Cal. "And my ankle. But I don't feel sick and my vision seems fine." But I'm scared… Cal lifted his head, looking around for his dad, but the movement made the pain in his head worse and he lay down quickly, closing his eyes.

"Let's not go moving around too much yet," said Dixie. "We need to check you over, then we'll get you into the ambo. We've called ahead to let Ethan know."

"Who called you?" asked Cal.

"I'm not sure – there was no-one here when we got here," said Iain disapprovingly.

Dixie spoke firmly. "But someone called us. That's the important thing."

* * *

Ethan burst through the ED doors and ran to reception. "Where is he?"

"What did I tell you on your first day about not jumping the queue?" said Louise.

"Excuse me for one moment," Noel said to the patient he was dealing with, and moved behind Louise so he could speak to Ethan. "He's here, Ethan. He was awake and talking when I saw him. He was taken to Resus as a precaution."

"Thank you!" Ethan ran to Resus. "Cal, are you okay?"

"Ethan!" said Cal in relief, holding out his arms. He looked close to tears.

"I'm here, Cal. It's going to be okay now." Ethan hesitated. "May I hug him, Mrs Beauchamp?"

"Of course, but please be gentle," said Connie. "He's basically all right, but he does have a lot of bruises."

Ethan put his arms around Cal, holding him gently but firmly. "It's okay, Cal. I'm here now. I'll look after you." He felt Cal trembling and stroked his hair. "Everything's fine. You're safe." He turned to Connie. "Mrs Beauchamp, you said he's 'basically' all right?"

Connie nodded. "Cal has a sprained ankle and a very minor head injury. I am sending him for a scan as a precaution, but I'm almost certain he's fine. Cal's quite distressed and confused, which is understandable after an accident, even when you don't consider his recent experiences." She smiled at Cal. "But we take every precaution for our best doctors."

"For Ethan, you mean?" said Cal with complete seriousness.

Ethan shut his eyes against the burn of tears. A few weeks ago, Cal had probably had a bit too much confidence for his own good, but now….

"No, Cal. For you," said Connie. "Ethan is an exceptional doctor, but so are you."

"Really?" said Cal, and Ethan opened his eyes to see genuine confusion on Cal's face.

"Really," said Connie. "And you know I wouldn't say that unless it was true. Now, I'm going to see to your ankle, but we'll keep you here till it's time for your scan."

"You see?" said Ethan, trying to smile at his brother. "You'll be well-looked-after." He paused and swallowed down a burst of fear before asking the question. "Cal, what happened?"

Cal looked fearfully up at him. "He was in our flat."


End file.
